I Have Issues

I just read this post over here by Ken Davis and it really spoke to my heart.  It describes me to a T.  I have had some ridiculous moments of explosive anger over the stupidest things.  I just had one the other day in fact.  This is the first step I am taking to admit that I have anger issues...

I have come away from those moments thinking..."What is WRONG with me?"  I also know that I wasn't always like this.

I have been a terrible example to my children.

I've been thinking quite a bit about who I am and what impact I am making on others.  The father of some friends of ours past away suddenly in his home last week.  It was totally unexpected and a shock to our church.  He was a pillar in our church and community. I just can't believe that Dr. Snyder is gone. Last Saturday, we went to his funeral service.  Person after person got up and told of this man's gentleness, generosity, hospitality and kindness.  He will truly be missed.  I cannot think of one single negative thing about him.  It has gotten me thinking about what would be said at my funeral some day.  I'm not sure if I would be spoken of as highly as Dr. Snyder.

I know I have a lot of frustration and anger that has built up over the years.  I usually try to pretend that it does not matter.  It's not working.

A Winter Story...Guidance Through the Storm

I thought of this story tonight and wanted to write it down.  I always thought it was significant...I just never recorded it before.  I don't want to forget it, so here it is.

I was driving in the car and my three little children were all buckled into their car seats.  Allen was four, Audra was almost 3, and Alicia was about 9 months old.  It was winter and I was driving to Webster to visit my parents.  The weather was horrible and the visibility was poor.  It hadn't been that poor when I left the house, otherwise I would have stayed at home. I was on a country road.  All of a sudden I heard little Allen's voice say, "You need some gas, Mom."  I looked at the gasoline indicator and the needle was below empty!  A surge of panic ensued...and at the same time marvel.  How did my little boy know I needed gas?  He couldn't see the indicator from his car seat...physically impossible! Besides that, he would not have known a gasoline indicator if he saw it, let alone be able to read and interpret it.  I remembered that there was a little country gas station nearby and prayed that we would make it there.  We did. I filled the car up, got in and said, "Allen, how did you know that Mommy needed to get some gas?"  He just looked at me and didn't answer.  I'm not sure if he even understood the question.

I'm sure that an angel communicated the need to Allen so that he could tell me. Even at a young age, Allen had a hunger and thirst for God.  He loved Bible stories and could not get enough of hearing them.  He just loved Jesus so much as a tiny child...often putting me to shame.

We had been praying and praying for guidance in college decision making for Allen.  He felt very strongly that he wanted to go to a Christian college.  He at one time told me that he wanted to go into missions and that "if God wants me to, I'll go to seminary."  He is not entirely sure of what path he is to take, but God has put all the pieces together for Allen to go to Roberts Wesleyan Christian College.  He will begin studies in communications.

Dread

I just feel this terrible sense of dread.  The postings for next year's jobs are coming out.  I have applied for two positions so far and will apply for a third. Every time I turn around, I am hearing about these three positions.  Everyone is talking about them and everyone is applying for them.  I just dread another interview in which I fail to be the one chosen.  Someone told me recently that over 40 people applied for one school library position last year.  (I was one of them and did not even get called for an interview)

Some Initial Impressions

Today I was supposed to shadow the woman that I am going to be subbing for. Yesterday she called me to let me know that she is sick and wondered if I would be her sub today instead. Of course I said yes!  So I went there today.

I have a very good feeling about this placement.  I am going to learn a tremendous amount and also get plenty of experience to help me get a job in the future.  The school is very nice.  My initial impression is that the school is well run.  The teachers seem cheerful and professional. The library is beautiful!  I have several computers that children can work on and also a SMART-board for lessons.  There is a beautiful office area to get work done in. The schedule leaves plenty of planning time and also possibly to do projects with teachers if they are willing. I also have a helpful volunteer who checks books in and out, and also helps manage the classes.

There are drawbacks.  Well...one in particular. The helpful volunteer.  She really is a volunteer...not getting paid a cent for what she does.  The entire school loves her...especially with all the cuts that have been made to education lately.  Not only does she volunteer in the library, but she picks up and does copying for all the teachers in the morning. She truly is helpful to the librarian. One cannot really run an elementary library very efficiently without a second person there helping. While the librarian is helping students find books they are interested in, several others are lining up to sign out books...meanwhile another set of eyes is always helpful for keeping an eye on mischievous students. (Imagine this scene: while I am helping Suzy find a book about magic tricks, Billy and Joe have decided to crawl under the tables and pretend they are tigers...you can just picture it.) For an elementary school librarian, the second pair of eyes is golden. However...Mrs. R, a woman in her 60's who is from Scotland...(not that Scotland matters, I just want you to imagine the scene with the right accent), is a little over zealous with her disciplining. I taught three classes today, and she rudely interrupted each one to discipline children.  She sent one little girl (Katie) to time-out in another part of the library and honestly, I did not think the little girl had done anything terrible at all.  In fact, I'm not sure what she did...if anything at all. The little girl seemed very surprised and very hurt by it.  After about 5 minutes, I called Katie back to the group. During the third class, Mrs. R was speaking sternly to the class about speaking out of turn.  If she had ended it there, it would have been fine, but she went on and on and asked, "Who is still speaking?...Who is still speaking!!!?" (and I thought to myself through gritted teeth...'You are.') At the end of the first class, I asked a little girl if she would help me collect the pencils.  When Mrs. R saw her collecting the pencils, she began to scold her. I stopped Mrs. R and said, "I asked her to collect the pencils for me." Mrs. R said, "That's not how it's done."

This is a problem that will need to be addressed and it is going to be very sticky.  I really do not want to lose her help in the library, but I cannot have her running the show.  I am the librarian and she is the volunteer helper.  (key word: helper)

This coming Thursday, I will meet Rachel (the librarian who is expecting a baby soon) and will be working with her directly.

Fun?

Lately I just feel like I'm not really having fun anymore.

Time for the update

I have been so horrible about writing my blog lately.  It has obviously come to a stand still and therefore no one will probably even read this (other than my faithful sisters). I had truly meant to blog about different libraries I have subbed in, but I didn't.  That's too bad because there is a wealth of information that I needed to record, but didn't.

In a couple of weeks, I will begin subbing for an elementary school librarian who will be out on maternity leave for the rest of this school year.  This position is all the way out in Greece.  That is long drive for me (~50 minutes), but absolutely necessary. Next Friday, I will go there and shadow Rachel (the librarian) for the day.  It will be nice to have regular income for about 8 weeks. In the meantime, I have applied for two school library positions that are opening up in the fall.  One is in East Irondequoit and the other is in Penn Yan. Please pray with me that one of these positions will work out for me.  I desperately need a regular job.

This week has been Spring break for us.  Two of my children are in New York City on a mission trip with our church.  I have been home with Alicia.  I would like to be able to say that we have done all sorts of exciting and imaginative things...but I would be lying. She stayed over night at a friend's house one night and I had to work on Monday.  Yesterday, she and I went shopping at East View Mall.  The poor girls' wardrobe needs some help.  Unfortunately, we only were able to put a small dent into revamping that situation. I'm hoping that today she gets to spend some time with her best friend...a much more fun prospect than hanging out here with mom.

I have been looking for a job for the summer.  I am hoping that I can find some children to babysit (in their home...since I am sure their home is more fun than this one.)  I'm sure that there are some children that will be needing some care once school ends.  I have joined care.com.  I was notified a few days ago that there was a perfect situation in Victor (4 days a week and during school hours)...but they have hired someone else who responded quicker than I.  It is my own fault since I forgot to check the care.com notifications and had therefore neglected to respond for several days. Once subbing ends, all income (save for the dentist office I clean on Monday evenings) ends. Once I get a permanent job as a school librarian, I will not have to worry about summers.  I will be able to kick back and relax...but that is not the case for me right now.

What's Up?

I had a job interview last week at a public library.  Well....I haven't heard from them, but I know I did not get the job.

On Friday, I went to a reception in the evening at my church to welcome and hear one of our former pastors and his family. (they moved to Canada 7 years ago).  While I was there, I was talking to a woman named Debbie who told me excitedly that her niece just got a job as librarian at _________ Public Library.  I gasped and said, "Well, I guess that means I didn't get it." Poor Debbie was horrified and felt terrible about telling me (she had no idea that I was interviewed or had even applied for it).  I was okay with it and actually found it to be rather humorous. I had actually figured that a decision was probably made and it wasn't me...so her news was just a confirmation of that belief.

I have a long term sub position in a suburb of Rochester, which I told a few "friends" about at a RASL meeting (Rochester Association of School Librarians). One of these "friends" asked me which school I had gotten the job in.  When I told her, she proceeded to tell me that she had subbed there once for the librarian and it was "hell." She then gave the ghastly details about why it was so horrible...topping it off with, "But maybe it won't be as bad as all of that for you."  I was not very happy...but it was her that I was not very happy with.  I thought that it was a rude thing of her to do.  Even if her experience had been "hell," as she put it, was a it a good idea to tell me about it?  After that, she proceeded to fill me in on the doom and gloom of the job market and how this person and that person have not found jobs yet.  And also that this school librarian who moved to Maryland is moving back to Rochester and she has so much experience both in Rochester and in Maryland and we will now have to compete against her....blah blah blah.  This woman was a walking black cloud of doom.  I left the RASL meeting feeling really down in the dumps.  On the way home I was like, "I need to shake this off and think more positively!"  It was a struggle...and still is.  I snap out of it and then slip into it again.

Anyway...I am sure that this job in G***** isn't as bad as what this woman described.  I think this woman is a very negative person and I will try and steer clear of her at future meetings. People like that just drain me.

On a better note, my son Allen has received a beautiful financial reward letter from Roberts Wesleyan College.  So...he really CAN go to college after all!  I was seriously worried that he would end up going to FLCC.  There is nothing wrong with FLCC...but I don't think it would have been a good choice for him.  He's the kid who really needs to go away to a four year college.  He also really wanted to go to a Christian college...and it is a relief that he really will be able to do that.  We are waiting to hear from another college before the final choice is made, but Roberts is a very strong possibility.

Checking In

I have not been doing well at blogging lately.  I'm just busy and quite frankly, I don't always feel like being on the computer.  I'd rather read a book.

Allen's last cross country season has come to an end.  He has been applying to colleges. I also hope he is applying for scholarships. He wants to attend a  Christian college and has applied to 3 of them so far and is working on a fourth application.  He has turned out to be quite a nice young man and I am proud of him.  He is kind, thoughtful, hardworking, honest, conscientious, helpful, smart, witty, and good looking to boot!  He desires to follow God's will for his life which is most important. I really couldn't be happier!  When I started this blog, Allen was 10 years old and now he is 17.

Adjusting

It's been difficult.  I'm not sure I will get used to it.  I have caught myself glancing over to where Sherman's water dish always was...a habit I formed making sure he always had enough.  When we were pulling in the driveway tonight after being out as a family, I thought about how we didn't leave a light on for Sherman.  A split second later I knew he was gone.  Today I was the first person home in the afternoon.  It suddenly occurred to me that I was alone in the house...I haven't been alone in the house for the past 9 years because Sherman was always with me.  I can't imagine taking a walk without him with me.  My walks always included him unless it was a destiny walk-meaning I was going somewhere that he could not come (like to the library or a store)  I think about how he is slowly being erased from the house.  When I vacuum, a little more hair of his disappears.  My family room carpet was vacuumed...and it still looks clean.  You'd think that would be a good thing, but I'd rather have the fur accumulating. There is a small pile of dusty fur in the corner of the living room by the book case.  I haven't managed to vacuum it up.  I'm also used to him jumping up to check the floor for food offerings when we finished dinner.  He always sat just outside the kitchen door.  We would read the scriptures right after finishing the meal and he would always get ready at that time to bolt into the kitchen because he knew it was almost time.  I used to call him "Scripture Dog."  When I checked the mailbox today, there was a small package for us from our vet.  It was Sherman's paw print in some hardened clay.

Sad Day For Us

I am very sad and also a little bit in shock.  Last week, my dog was being his normal sweet self.  On Tuesday morning he got up, I fed him and let him out.  He came back in and seemed fine.  I came home at 3:00 in the afternoon.  I noticed right away that he did not greet me with his usual exuberance.  I looked for him and found him outside laying on the grass.   It became obvious that something was wrong and that he could barely walk.  He made it into the house but went straight to bed-refusing to eat. Later he started vomiting.  He would drink, but only if I brought the dish of water over to him.  By Thursday morning, I decided to barricade him into the kitchen so that he would not mess my carpets.  When he attempted to move, he was all wobbly and clearly his back end was not working right.  Jamie was out of town and I knew I couldn't take him to the vet without help.  I wanted to wait til Jamie came home so we could face this together.

This morning we took him to the vet.  It didn't take the vet very long to figure out that Sherman had malignant tumors in his spleen/liver area.  Sherman also did not have very much physical sensation in his back left leg.  When he tried to stand up, he didn't know how to place his foot correctly on the floor. The doctor, a young man who just got his first veterinary job (two weeks now), was very kind to us. Apparently it is not uncommon that an illness like this show itself very suddenly.  Sherman probably had this 6 months ago, but was able to carry on as normal. There was absolutely nothing that could be done for Sherman and he would continue to decline and his suffering would get worse.  It was a difficult decision to make, but I decided that it would end today.

I called Jamie and told him.  He brought the girls to the veterinary hospital to say goodbye to him.  He couldn't bring Allen because Allen was at a cross-country meet south of Syracuse.  It was so sad to say goodbye to this creature that I had come to love for 9 years.  I was his favorite person.  He would follow me about the house and wait for me at the bottom of the stairs.  If I left the house to go out of town, he moped about the house.  I took him for walks regularly and he would sit at my feet and put his chin on my knee and gaze up at my face.  I will miss him.  I can't keep the tears from falling.  It already seems wrong in this house without him here.

Back in the Swing of Things

It has been a while since I posted. School has started and I now have kids that are a senior, a sophomore, and 8th grader. Next weekend we will be visiting 2 colleges in Pennsylvania with our boy.  Where did the time go?  We just put him on the bus for kindergarten!

 I am back subbing again.  Some days are great...and then some are not so great.

 This week I have worn all sorts of hats. 

• On Monday I was math teacher at a middle school.  Since I am fairly good at math, I actually could teach it and help the kids who were stuck. 
• On Tuesday,  became a 7th grade Spanish teacher at the same middle school.  Once again, I was very proficient in that so that I could actually help them rather than simply be a warm body in the classroom. The kids were surprised that I knew Spanish apparently. 
• Wednesday I was in another middle school in another school district.  It was not a fun day since I seem to have quite a bit more trouble with discipline issues there.  I became an English teacher.  It was a miserable day...and a long one.  At the end of it, I had a head ache.  I had to send three boys to an in-school suspension room. 
• Yesterday I was in an art room in this same district's High School. I had no trouble with discipline at all.  The kids were wonderful!
• Today I was a librarian at another middle school in an entirely different county than the other two districts.  Actually it was the same district as this school.  I felt entirely at home.  I team taught with a home and careers teacher. 

I Choose...

My summer job has ended.  I do not have anything lined up for the Fall.  People keep asking me about it.  Nothing but subbing in sight.

I choose to trust the Lord.  I choose to trust that He has a plan for me...and that He will provide for me and my family.  I choose joy..and not complaining.  I choose to be a blessing to others...by pouring out the blessings that He has given to me.  I choose to believe and not to despair.  I choose to trust the Lord.

I choose to be thankful because the Lord has taken care of me.  I have never had to go hungry.  Our bills have always been paid.  I choose to be grateful because Jesus loves me...even when I am far from lovable.  I choose to see the positive.  I choose to look around me and see all the good that comes from His hand.  I choose to smile and count my blessings.

God Continues to Hold Me in His Hand

It is time for me to post again...just not quite sure what I am going to say.  I guess this: that God is good.  He takes care of me and holds me in his hand.  He has blessed me with an enjoyable job this summer- a Christian summer camp located on beautiful Canandaigua Lake.  I have been given the privilege of being a part of ministry while working in the camp office.  I have seen teenagers, little children, men and women come and go throughout the summer. I've seen pastors and their families make use of the cottages in order to find a time of rest.  We even had a couple who are missionaries to Italy stay a few days during their travel around the country speaking at churches. Last week we had close to 200 Christian motorcyclists stay at the camp

A few days ago, rather than work in the office, I was called upon to wait upon tables at a fancy women's luncheon.  I really enjoyed serving and it was fun to see a few familiar faces there. The job is interesting and the people I work with are lovely.

I wish that I could keep working there.  I love it that much, however...summer is coming to an end.  I trust that the Lord has more good things in store for me.

About the photo: This is the swimming area at LeTourneau with a beautiful sunset.  I do not know who took the picture.  I admit to borrowing it from Facebook.  If someone knows: tell me and I'll be glad to give them credit.

Plenty to be Thankful For

I guess I'm not alone in my disappointing search for a library job.  My friend Libby has been looking for a job for 2 years. She's hoping to be a public librarian...and subs for the Rochester area libraries. My friend Charlie had a few interviews this summer and was even called back for a second interview...and she has gotten nothing but rejection letters.  My friend Diane has had a couple of interviews this summer and has gotten passed over as first choice.  I have had three interviews this summer without a bite.

I don't know what to think. What do I do next, Lord?  Where is your still small voice that is supposed to direct my path? Is it there and I just can't hear it? Am I refusing to hear it somehow?

In any case...I have everything I need and plenty to be thankful for. I just need to remember this.

The photo is one I took of two boys in Ecuador playing happily with a deflated and beat up soccer ball on a muddy lot.  They don't need the latest and greatest equipment to find joy. To have a real soccer ball is actually quite impressive there.

Trying Again

I am trying again with my devotional blog.  It was a good thing.  I was learning and growing and then I stopped.  I did not keep my hand to the plow. Please check it out.

Old Books I Love

I've been reading Ramona books...by Beverly Cleary.  So far I have read 3 this week.  I'm almost finished with a 4th and tomorrow I will start a 5th. Ramona always cracked me up and I could really relate to her when I was a kid...even the fact that she was an unusually good artist for her age.

Now when I read the books, I can really relate to the parents.  I never thought about it as a kid: never noticing how they struggled financially and Dad goes off to finish college...and the washing machine breaks down, and taxes are going to come due soon.  Actually reading them has made me realize that maybe what I deal with on a daily basis is more normal than not.

Thank you, Lord!

I have been reminded to give thanks for the loaves and the fishes...so, "Thank you, Lord!" (John 6:8-13)

I have also figured out that my terrible rash is not the result of bug bites...but I must have had an allergic reaction to something.  I do not have any idea what.  It is clearing up, but I still have a few new spots on my arms and on one foot.  I stopped taking the Benedryl.  I believe that was contributing to my depression.  Yesterday Martha suggested I take Claritin.  She gave me one and the difference is huge.  I feel much better.  I slept better and didn't feel so negative and down either.  I woke up feeling better than I have in over a week!

Struggling

I have been struggling a lot today to keep my thoughts positive. I just feel so down and discouraged about life lately. I keep trying to remind myself that I have so much to be thankful for...but the negatives just have a tight grip on me.

What's up?

I have become a terrible blogger these days. I would like to get better at this again, but I've been having challenges. A quick update on my life.

I've had three interviews this summer. Each interview went well and I truly thought I had a chance...but I seem to never be the final choice for getting the actual job. It can be frustrating, but I'm trying to remain optimistic.

I got a call from a girl who told me about a public library that needs a full time children's librarian. I know about this library and was very reluctant because the hours of operation are bad. You see, it is a shared library: half the day it is a school library and the other half it is a public library. After being told several times about this position, I finally looked into it. The hours are M-Th: 3pm-9pm, F:3pm-8pm, and every other Sat: 10am-5pm. Absolutely not! A job like this would mean never being able to eat dinner with my family. It would mean leaving for work every day about the time my children are coming home. It would basically mean never spending time with them anymore. (or at least very little) It would mean never being able to see my son's sport events, attend any child's concert, etc. Terrible! I know that God must have a better plan than that for me.

In the meantime, I have been working at a Christian summer camp in the office. I really love it there. Last week, a former classmate of mine from high school came in with a large youth group from the city of Rochester. I knew that he had become a pastor. It was good to see him and talk with him. I had not seen him in about 20 years. I cannot afford to work at this camp forever. It has been a nice diversion...but unfortunately it will never pay the bills. Full time has not been offered anyway so it is irrelevant to think about.

Last week I got several mysterious bug bites on my neck, one on my right ear and two on my face. I also have four bites on my legs. The ones on my neck have flared up to a terrible rash...driving me crazy. I am on benadryl, also applying hydrocortisone creme. Keeping cool seems to help. Since today the heat is unbearable, I have been confined to a room in the house with an air conditioner unit in the window...which my personal doctor (husband) set up for me. Some people have told me that I ought to see a doctor (real one)...but I am hesitating because my health insurance is so poor. My health insurance decides for me-in it's infinite wisdom what is and isn't necessary to keep me healthy. Then I am left holding a large bill when I stray outside of it's guidelines.

That is all for now. I am ending this rather abruptly. Sorry...I have lost patience with thinking and typing while using a tiny keyboard...where I keep making errors and having to constantly correct.

Sorry no picture.

Old Childhood Friends

While staying with my mother, I've been dabbling a bit with my watercolors. Here is a little watercolor painting of some toys I used to play with as a kid.  They were leftovers from my older brothers.  At some point and time our pet dachshund got a hold of the grumpy one and chewed him up a bit. I think the blue one has a couple of bites out of it too judging by the looks of things.