On Being Wounded

I have been listening to the Chronicles of Narnia series on audio. I read it aloud to the kids when they were little...and decided it was time for someone to read it to me.

I've always known about the Christian symbolism in the book, but somehow it has hit me anew while listening to The Horse and His Boy. There is one part of the book where a lion attacks Aravis while she is riding on Hwin. She ends up with scratches from the lion's claws down her back. She is laid up with these wounds for some time afterwards. Later on in the book, Shasta discovers that it was Aslan who wounded Aravis. He asks Aslan why he would do such a thing. Aslan answers that he will only tell Shasta his own story, not Aravis's story.

I have a story. I have been wounded. As I look back at my life, I see indications that the Lord knew what was going to happen to me all along. He knows my story even better than I do. I couldn't prevent my deep wounds from happening even though it seemed as though I should have been able to. I wanted to set the record straight with those who misunderstood me, but the Lord would not allow me to. He closed the doors time and time again and sometimes didn't open the doors at all.

 I really believe that He wounded me. I have gotten into discussions about this very topic in the past with people who disagree. They would say, "Oh no. The Lord never wounds, but he only allows us to be wounded." I disagree because the scriptures mention that the Lord afflicts. (Psalm 119:75) Besides that, if He doesn't do it...then is He asleep on the job when it happens? Does He hire the devil to do his dirty work? Is He actually a cruel God who stands by and watches us get hurt without coming to our defense? No! Of course not.

God is good. He is just. He has purposes that we don't understand. It really was His plan that I be terribly misunderstood and consequently rejected by people I loved deeply. I don't know if I'll ever understand the reasons why on this side of eternity. I am coming closer than ever to being totally at peace about this. I know the truth is that it was supposed to happen.

Here is a quote that I love from the book. It occurs while Shasta is speaking to a mysterious traveling companion after getting lost in a fog. He concludes that he is the most unlucky boy. This is what Aslan says to him:

"I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

He has greater purposes for the "misfortunes" that we encounter during our lives. He is working in ways that we are not aware of. I'm getting closer. Yes...I am.

I only now ask for your prayers that the ruminating about it would stop. It sounds easy to others to simpy stop thinking about it...but it isn't easy. It is like my thoughts automatically gravitate towards this deep groove running through my mind. I would appreciate your prayers about this.

Happy Holidays!

From left to right: my husband Jamie, daughter Audra, daughter Alicia, son Allen and me

We have been blessed to have all of our kids home. Allen is home from Boston where he has been working with City Year as he rethinks his college plans. He has been trying to figure out what college to transfer to for the fall. Meanwhile, Audra is a senior and is exploring her options for college choices for the upcoming year as well. Alicia is a sophomore. I also am not sure where The Lord will take me as far as schools in the fall. Life is unknown right now. I thank God that it is not unknown to Him.

Living by the seat of my pants while learning to trust Him...as usual. The lesson never ends!

Learning to Listen and Wait

I have been trying to wait on the Lord and listen to where He is directing me. It is not always easy to hear what he is saying. I've had times in my life where a message has come to me loud and clear. Unfortunately, I have not always heeded that message. Other times I need to be still and wait and listen. I think there are even times when His voice is never clear and we simply need to pray, use our best judgement and then trust. I'm trying to do better. I was waiting for direction for the next rock to help me across the stream of life.

Penfield central schools called me and wondered if I would do a LT sub position for them. I couldn't just say yes because it overlapped with the assignment I am currently doing. They were willing to consider holding the position for me if they didn't find anyone to fill it. Would the next rock say "Penfield?"  On Friday before Thanksgiving, Penfield called again to inform me that they had found a LT sub to fill the position. No...that would not be the next rock.

In the small city where I live, I am in a position to travel south, east or west to any of the rural districts in those areas. I think several of them would be great to work at...but some of them make me a little leery. My sister in law informed me about an immediate opening in a rural district near her. It is about a 45 minute commute down country roads. I admit that I wasn't very thrilled. Is this what the Lord wanted? Would the next rock be this particular district?  I really wrestled with this one. I almost didn't apply. I really didn't want to work there. What kind of faith did I have if I wasn't even willing to apply? What if God was sending me there and I wasn't being willing to go? I applied...and waited. I got called for an interview. I went. I interviewed. I walked out of that school really feeling like I did not want to work there. I just didn't feel comfortable with this district. Was this the message? My gut feeling? I had some legitimate concerns. I discussed it with Jamie to see what he thought. He had the same reservations about me working for this particular district. I finally decided that if I was offered the job, I would turn it down, but I wanted peace that this was what I really should do because I still wasn't sure. Was I just being a snob after working for two very reputable districts in the Rochester area?

An answer came today. My principal came to me and asked me if I would stay on at MB to allow the woman I am subbing for to extend her leave by a month and a half.  I said yes and I feel peace knowing that is the rock I will step on next. It still isn't permanent...but somehow I know this is right.

Step Here

My life has become a faith walk...I suppose that is the way it ought to be. I keep picturing the crossing of a stream. The Lord just keeps showing me where to step next. The rock I'm stepping on now says, "Martha Brown Middle School" on it. I'm not sure what the next rock will say.

Unemployed....in Greenland.

There is no other reason for my adding "in Greenland" other than I just love  The Princess Bride.

I am unemployed and trying to listen to the voice of God. The voice of truth and trusting in Him. That has been a battle for me lately. I forget to be thankful, to remember that God's got my back, and that I really have enough and that He has a plan and that I can trust Him.

This week, I attended the funeral of the sister of a dear friend of mine. It was an unusual situation. Hard to explain, so I won't bother. I'm trying to remember to be faithful in prayer for her family.

I also learned of a tragic accident that took place in the life of Susana, the woman who is the writer of this blog. The accident happened on July 31, but I didn't read of it until Monday evening when I decided to catch up on my blog reading. My heart is aching for her. Please keep her and her precious family in prayer at this time.

Yesterday I subbed at the school I left in June. One of the librarian's babies was sick. It was so good to be back there. It felt like I never left. Also...it was very cool to know almost all of the kids' names and have them know me.  I had missed them! I had a good day and I loved seeing all of my former colleagues. It was also a good feeling knowing that they seemed genuinely glad to see me too.

I really want to be employed as a school librarian again. It is hard wanting something that seems out of reach at the moment. Trying to count my blessings and use my time off wisely.

I Choose...

My summer job has ended.  I do not have anything lined up for the Fall.  People keep asking me about it.  Nothing but subbing in sight.

I choose to trust the Lord.  I choose to trust that He has a plan for me...and that He will provide for me and my family.  I choose joy..and not complaining.  I choose to be a blessing to others...by pouring out the blessings that He has given to me.  I choose to believe and not to despair.  I choose to trust the Lord.

I choose to be thankful because the Lord has taken care of me.  I have never had to go hungry.  Our bills have always been paid.  I choose to be grateful because Jesus loves me...even when I am far from lovable.  I choose to see the positive.  I choose to look around me and see all the good that comes from His hand.  I choose to smile and count my blessings.

Seeking Joy

There probably is a reason that my sister gave me a copy of One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I forget to be thankful and find joy. Today I Googled the word "encouragement" and ended up here. I suppose that this wasn't an accident either. I have been very discouraged lately. I often feel like I am running on a treadmill...not getting anywhere. Here is a list of gifts from God that I am thankful for.They are in no particular order. They are just in the order in which they came to my mind.

-My yellow lab leaning against my legs while I sit on the sofa
-A cup of coffee with a hint of vanilla
-My children laughing together
-My teenage son singing
-Recordings of my father's banjo, harmonica and singing
-friends coming to visit
-libraries
-an afghan that my mother crocheted
-the honking of Canada geese flying over the house
-the Finger Lakes region of NY state (I am blessed to live in so much beauty)
-wood burning stoves
-watching birds at the feeder
-the Adirondack Mountains
-the gentle and rhythmical clanking of a something with a zipper in my drier
-fresh air