The CBS Question that Stopped Me in My Tracks

This post was originally created on February 12, 2016...but I kept it as a draft. I think it is very insightful and that is why I'm publishing it today. I had published it one time before...but changed my mind. Besides that, it was buried in the archives where no one was likely to read it and comment. As the Lord gives me these insightful truths, it brings leaps of healing. I hope it can help and inspire someone else.


I wrote this post over a month ago...but was too self conscious to post it. I don't like people to know my personal struggles. I've been thinking about this post...especially since the anniversary of this loss is rolling closer. February is a difficult month for me. I struggle with Valentine's Day. I even told my husband once that I hate Valentine's Day and that I don't want to celebrate it. Buy me chocolate and flowers on any other day of the year....but don't buy it on that day. He hasn't always listened to this advice.

Anyway...in my quest to be more honest about myself, I've decided to post it after all.
.........

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭51:16-17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

.....

For personal thought: which of the previously mentioned offerings would most involve genuine sacrifice on your part? Why? (Community Bible Study, Study guide for the book of Mark. Page 170)

The offerings mentioned:

• a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:16-17....the verse written out above in red)
• praise (Hebrew 13:15-16)
• mercy and acknowledgment of God (Hosea 6:6)
• our bodies and mind (Romans 12:1-2)

I stared at the question for several minutes while I considered each one of the choices, trying to decide what my answer would be.  I came to the first choice: the broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart. "Well...I've gotten that one down," I thought to myself. I was about to look at the next choice when a second thought came into my mind. "But do you? Do you really have that one down?" I stopped and thought about it. I decided that I don't have that one down at all.

That one seems to be giving me the most difficulty. It seems like I actually hold onto my broken heart and my broken spirit. When I sense it slipping away...I grip it a little tighter...being afraid to let it go. I can't seem to sacrifice it entirely. Or is it that I won't sacrifice it? Perhaps I am afraid of losing the little bit I have left of something long ago lost. Really? Is that it? I can tell myself that this is foolish and faulty thinking. Do I really want this pain in my life? No! I hate it!

Then why can't I get rid of it? Why can't I just sacrifice it and be done with it? I know it is wrong...and yet I hold onto it. I can't...or won't really let it go. How do I put something on the alter that I have held onto for so long? There have been times when I've thought it is gone...but then there it is, back in my grip again. Must it always be a continual sacrifice? Again and again? Can't I just sacrifice it once and for all? Why must I see it once again in my possession?

I don't seem to have this one down at all.

"Oh, Heavenly Father. I sacrifice it to you. I lay it on the alter! I don't want it anymore!  It is yours."

God is Slowly Working On Me...As I Surrender

So...God is good.

He knows the way I take, and when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold. (Job 23:10)

God is still working on me and I know that when He is done, I really will come forth as gold. The thing is, God works very slowly on us. It takes a lifetime for him to complete his work in us.

Really, it's kind of exciting. What's next, Lord?

I still want to be like that lady from the retreat center, no matter what it takes.

Photo by my sister, Martha Teal. Stolen by me.

Ian Morgan Cron on Pain

I really wanted this with the previous post, but it kept messing up the format of all the paragraphs. I gave up and decided to post it separately.
Please take the time to watch this and pay close attention. It is totally spot on! It was when I ran towards my pain that I finally found healing.

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Yielding to His will for me

The Lord has shown me again and again that He knows everything that will happen to me and He is not surprised by it.

I need to absolutely trust Him. Why shouldn't I? He loves me. He has been there in my darkest times. It was then that He whispered to me to choose life. It was difficult because everything within me was screaming out for me to choose the opposite. I heard that whisper and clung to that. He brought me through it.

He has told me things that at the time, I did not want to hear. But now...years later, I find comfort in. Things that made me say, "No. Lord! I cannot bear that! Why? Please don't!" and now I look back and say, "My Heavenly Father knew. He knew. And it was all right in the end...He knew it all before it happened. It went all according to His plan."

I just want things my way sometimes. I am very arrogant to think that I know a better way.

Through a Glass Darkly

Most of the time I feel pretty strong...like I am doing well in spite of life's bumps and bruises...(and festering wounds). At those times, I can be joyful and go about life with little worry or concern about life's disappointments, both present day and in the past.

Lately I have been struggling again. I have to cling to the hope that it will all become clear one day and I can look back on this life and say, "Of course! Now it all makes sense why God allowed that to happen. In fact, it was part of his plan and it was perfect!" For now, I see through a glass darkly. I sometimes feel like I am clinging for dear life to a raft in the middle of an ocean...where the waves are buffeting me and threatening to pull me under.

Some Really Eerie Similarites and Lessons I've Learned About Life

My oldest daughter Audra.

• My daughter is 18 years old. 
• She looks something like me.
• She doesn't like running.
• She has seriously considered choosing mathematics as her college major.
• She works in our town's public library.
• She is going to her senior ball (which is tomorrow night) with a young man named Steven.
• She and her date (along with their group of friends) are going out to dinner before the ball at a restaurant in Bushnell's Basin.

When I found out that last one, I thought to myself, "Please do not tell me that it is Richardson's Canal House." (It still exists...I checked)

"What is the name of it?" I casually asked.

"Branca's," she said.

I really felt a sense of relief hearing that. Keep in mind that my daughter knows absolutely nothing about my own dating history. No names, dates, restaurants, etc.

The only thing she knows is that I worked at the public library in my home town too, I did my undergrad in math, I'm not a runner,...and that people say she looks like me. 

She does not really want to be like me at all. She says she will NEVER become a librarian.

She will be going off to college in Indiana in the fall. I am praying that she transitions well to college life, that she will never encounter the serious trouble with major depression that I experienced during my sophomore year (my first year at a college away from home). I don't think I could bear seeing my daughter go through that.

If she ever does go through that, she will know that depression is a medical condition that she is not at fault for. She will know that she can get medical intervention. These are all things that I did not understand all of those years ago. No one understood. I was pretty much on my own with it. My entire life was turned upside down that year and I experienced my greatest heartbreaks, losses, and pain...all because of major depression. It took me approximately two years to recover physically from it...but many more years to recover emotionally. I also know that the Lord planned all of it and that He was with me during that time. I even believe that it was His plan that the people in my life misunderstand me and come to false conclusions about what was going on. Some of them completely turned their backs on me. It was an awful, but necessary pain for me...but I still don't want any of my children to experience it. I can't control that. I need to let go and trust God for His plan in their lives.

I have forgiven the people who hurt me and I have forgiven myself for hurting others, but sometimes I still feel the bruises in that most tender spot in my heart and have to remind myself that...

He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept his ways without turning aside. Job 23:10-11

It is true that I went through that horrendous experience. It really ended up being one of the most pivotal points of my life. It has shaped who I am today, but through it all...I kept my faith in Christ. I have come to the conclusion that walking with Christ and learning to put Him first in your life is what life is really all about. It is not about falling in love and getting married, and having children, a great career, and then saving money so you can retire comfortably. I'm not denying that these can be truly fulfilling things in life, they can be. But life is about making the choice to follow Christ...and sticking with it, even when life throws you some curve balls.

Clinging to Truth

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. (‭Psalm‬ ‭40‬:‭1-3‬ NIV)

Mother

It was one year ago today that my mother went to her real home in heaven. I know she's in a much better place and much happier too.

(That is baby Simon in her lap. One of her great grandchildren)

Getting through this month.

I will have to say that February is not one of my favorite months. There seem to be a number of significant losses that have occurred in my life during the month of February. I'm looking forward to this month ending. Only a few more days to go.

Today I had the day off because I took Alicia up to Rochester to get her spine looked at. She has scoliosis and we need to go to the specialist from time to time. The good news is that the curvatures in her spine are not getting significantly worse. The lower curve measured slightly greater, but not alarmingly. The best news is that Alicia seems to have stopped growing. She has topped out at 5'3", (That is three and a half inches shorter than I am.) This is good news because that means that the curvature won't get any worse. I never imagined that I would end up with a daughter who is significantly shorter than I, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since her father is on the shorter end of the spectrum.

On Monday and Tuesday I began per diem subbing once again. I am not too thrilled to end up doing that again...but I am trying to be thankful for any work. Besides that, God had a few surprises for me.

On Monday I subbed at the 3-5 building in Pal-Mac district and saw one of my former students from Dewitt Rd. On "moving up day" in June last year, I had a handful of kids who came to the library because they were moving away from Dewitt and wouldn't be attending there anymore. One of the boys, J told me that he had moved to Marion and was currently being driven to Webster to finish out the year. Just for fun we "Google-earthed" his school. We found Marion Elementary School quite easily and he seemed pleased. However, there he was on Monday at the school in Palmyra instead. Apparently his father decided that they would move over the summer once again and so Palmyra it is. I said, "We Google-earthed the wrong school, Bud." He said, "Yeah. I know."

The next day I subbed at Schlegel Road Elementary School, which is within the same district as DeWitt. When I walked into the building, I saw one of my students (M) walking down the hall. He didn't appear to notice me and I couldn't think of his name quick enough to get his attention, but it was still nice to see one familiar face. I figured that would be the end of it.  At some point during the day, I had to deliver a book to a fifth grade classroom. I walked in and waited for the teacher to notice I was there, when I noticed a boy to my left calling to me. It was another former student. (C).  He seemed genuinely happy to see me. I have to admit that he was always one of my favorites. He was quite the little reader and always willing to discuss the books he was reading and tell me which books I should definitely read next. He was also always well behaved and a bit of a scholar. He was the kind of kid who didn't mind talking to a 40 something year old lady. That type is rare...believe me. He told me that I should get a job next year at the middle school he will be attending. That one made my day! Unfortunately, that probably won't be likely as I don't anticipate the librarian at that school being done with her job.

When I returned to the library, I was expecting a special ed class to come in. In walked 3 more of my former students. These three didn't move...but are now being bussed to the new school because of the services provided there. They are autistic and nonverbal...similar to my own brother, so it is hard to say whether or not they recognized or cared that I was there. That didn't matter to me because I understand not to take it personally. It still was good to see them. The above picture is of one of these sweet little boys that came in today. I took it last year at DeWitt.

Today I am nursing a bit of a cold and can't seem to get warm. I'm not liking the prospect of being ill.

He's Got Your Back!

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for well-being, and not for calamity, in order to give you a future and a hope. 12 When you call out to me and come and pray to me, I’ll hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart. 

God is Near

I am thinking of the Conrow family today. Last week they held their 6 year old daughter as she died from brain cancer. I can only imagine the great sorrow they are feeling. I've been in touch with Amanda's grandfather, who was my high school geometry teacher. He was a wonderful man of God and always encouraged me in my walk with the Lord. He sent me an email this morning with heartfelt words from his daughter, Liz.

I've been broken-hearted before. I've been crushed in spirit. I remember in high school when my brother passed away, I taped a Bible verse on the wall next to my bed...so I would see it as soon as I woke up in the morning. I did the same thing in college during a difficult time.

Psalm 34:18

18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I know that God has given me a heart that is able to empathize with others...so in a way, thinking about their sorrow brings back some memories of my own sorrows. I don't want to think only of myself during this time. I don't always know how to transfer my empathy into a proper way of caring for others.

Just pray for this family.  They have buried their little 6 year old daughter this past week. Their arms feel empty and their hearts are broken.

Because I Know....He Holds the Future.

...I can face uncertain days because He lives.

I have two weeks left at my job. I have just loved showing up there every day. I have wonderful coworkers and the kids are great too!  Yesterday, it was Martha Brown Day and everyone was encouraged to wear Fairport attire.  So, I went to school in borrowed clothing. It was a fun day. I wish I had gotten a picture of myself with my two TAs. I hope I have occasion again to wear Fairport clothing to a school some day.

I will really miss it there when I leave. I wonder what will happen next with me. I will trust The Lord.

On the home front...it was Audra's 18th birthday on Thursday. It just seems so bittersweet that she is growing up. I'm really proud of the wonderful young lady that she has become. She's almost done living here full time...which is hard to think about. She has been accepted to all 5 colleges that she applied to...which doesn't really surprise me. She is near the top of her class. We shall see what the future brings. I have a bit of anxiety thinking about it...but remind myself that everything is in God's hands.

He has proven to me that He knows the past, present and future and we can trust it all to him. I wish I could tell my story to you...about how I know this.

In a few weeks, Audra and I will go visit Grove City College...which ironically was the college I wanted to go to at age 18. I tried to transfer there. I was not accepted...but not really rejected either. I was put on a waiting list because they had made their first choices of acceptance and I missed the first cut. In any case...my name never came to the top of the list, but it was in God's hands. He knew it. He knew where I would go and what would become of me.

In the same way...he knows all about my Audra. She is his first.

Allen called tonight. The school he has been working at in Boston was closed Tuesday through Thursday because of the big snow storm there. He has an interview at Gordon College on Thursday. Audra has been accepted there. Allen is trying to convince his sister to attend there with him. I think it is wonderful that my kids get along so well that they want to go to the same school. I hope they do both end up at the same college. It would certainly make things easier in many ways. Allen has not applied to Grove City and does not plan to. God knows all about the future of my Allen as well.

Alicia is enjoying her sophomore year in high school. Right now, I don't think she is thinking too much about college. Need I say the obvious? Okay, I will. God knows all about my Alicia's future too.

I am really proud of all three of my kids. God has been so good to me...there once was a time when I didn't believe that anything would ever be good in my life. I was so deeply depressed and broken-hearted. God knew all about it. He also knew about my future and he still does.

Sufferings

I consider that our present sufferings are not worthy of comparing with the glory that is to be revealed in us.   Romans 8:18

I have been thinking about this verse a lot lately. I know of a family who is suffering right now. They are watching their 6 year old daughter die of brain cancer. Amanda is in her last days here on this earth. I have been following this story for quite some time now. Please pray for this family.

Her Ride Arrived

The other night while my mother sat at the dinner table, she asked my sister and brother-in-law if someone would be coming to take her home.  Her dementia had been increasing during the last week and my sister tried to tell her that she would be staying there for the night (she has lived with them for the last 3 1/2 years.)  It turned out that this time she was right.  The Lord came in the early hours of yesterday and personally ushered her home.
(Welcome home, Mom-I love you)

I hadn't realized how similar my post was to my sister's.  For a more complete story click here.

Staying Away From Edges

It was a cold day...but not as cold as it has been. It has come to my attention that I have not been living a very balanced life and I'm going to try to better. I've been on break this week, but went into into school Friday to do a little work. I was a bit stressed out. I was greeted by C, an older black man who is a custodian at my school. I have also discovered that he is a Christian. He immediately could tell that I was a bit stressed. He told me to trust The Lord...that The Lord has everything in his control and that The Lord has a plan.  He told me that he would pray for me. He also mentioned getting exercise and eating right. Ummmm. How did he know?
I felt such a release of tension. C is right. I need to trust The Lord. I have been giving the enemy a foothold. Today, my devotional was perfect....naturally it was on the same theme that The Lord has been whispering to me for months. If you ever read Jesus Calling then you know that it talked about the pitfall of self pity. It is a pit that is deep and once you are in there, it is hard to get out of it. It is best to stay away from its edges, which crumble easily.  If you get too near the edge, down you go. The enemy knows that this time of year is especially hard for me and he loves reminding me of sad things that have happened in the past and about people that I have loved and lost. I get too close to the edge and WHOOOSH! Down I go. I need to hold onto The Lord and the lifeline that He is. I need to hold onto His truth.
With that in mind, I went for a wonderful walk from my house to Canandaigua Lake. (Only about 2 miles) I walked all along the edge of it in Kershaw Park and then on the pier. This year the lake froze end to end. It only does that about once every 7 years or so. I missed my opportunity to actually walk out onto it earlier this week when it was still about -4. It is probably still pretty solid in the center...but was thawing on the edges. I wasn't about to test it. It was good for me to get out in the sunshine. Jesus, sunshine, exercise and watching that I don't eat the wrong things....those are good things.

Oh...and staying away from edges!

Too much?

All I want to be is a librarian somewhere.
Is that too much to ask?
Why don't I ever get picked?
I feel like I'm back in gym class...waiting to be picked for someone's team.  I was always picked either last, or next to last.
Wondering whether or not there is something blatantly wrong with me that everyone else is just too polite to tell me about.

Hello?

Why am I here?
What is the purpose of my life?
Does anyone even care?

Dread

I just feel this terrible sense of dread.  The postings for next year's jobs are coming out.  I have applied for two positions so far and will apply for a third. Every time I turn around, I am hearing about these three positions.  Everyone is talking about them and everyone is applying for them.  I just dread another interview in which I fail to be the one chosen.  Someone told me recently that over 40 people applied for one school library position last year.  (I was one of them and did not even get called for an interview)

Fun?

Lately I just feel like I'm not really having fun anymore.

Struggling

I have been struggling a lot today to keep my thoughts positive. I just feel so down and discouraged about life lately. I keep trying to remind myself that I have so much to be thankful for...but the negatives just have a tight grip on me.