Ian Morgan Cron on Pain

I really wanted this with the previous post, but it kept messing up the format of all the paragraphs. I gave up and decided to post it separately.
Please take the time to watch this and pay close attention. It is totally spot on! It was when I ran towards my pain that I finally found healing.

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Praying the Alphabet

Sometimes I slip into doubt. The enemy does not want me to trust in my Lord and savior. Instead, he wants me to question God's love for me. He drums up every sad memory he can to attack me. He reminds me of how people hurt or betrayed me. He whispers the grievances I have felt towards others...and stirs it up again. He reminds me of my failures and tells me that I could never minister to others by telling them about my deliverance from spiritual bondage. He tells me that my story is a total joke because I am not living victoriously. He tries to make me believe that my Lord does not have my best interest in mind...that He is actually a cruel God. The pit of despair looms near...threatening to swallow me up in it. I've been down this path many times and I know that the only way to get through it with victory is to go to the foot of the cross. To fall on my knees before Him. To regain focus on God's truth and who He is.

Sometimes I "pray the alphabet." The Lord showed me this trick one night as I lay in bed. I often have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Too many racing thoughts. I have quieted my mind by lulling it to sleep with dull thoughts. One of the ways I have done this is to go through the alphabet and for each letter, say as many names that I could think of beginning with that letter. It shuts off the crazy, worrisome thinking and replaces it with the mundane. So I would start. "Ann, Amy, Abigail, Antoinette, Alice, ...Barbara, Bernice, Betty, Bernadette, Babette,...Colette, Catherine, Christine, Cassie, Cassandra, Camille,..." (I'm not sure why, but I always stick to girl names) Usually by the time I got somewhere between H and N, I had fallen asleep.

One night as I lay in bed, not only did I have racing thoughts, but they were all the attacking thoughts that I mentioned in the first paragraph of this post. I started the alphabet name trick...it wasn't working quite as well. It came to my attention that the Lord inhabits the praises of his people. If I praised Him, how could anything negative be present? Satan hates the praises we lift up to Jesus. He cannot stay around for that. I decided to try praising the Lord using the alphabet. There are no hard and fast rules for this. Sometimes I linger on a letter and come up with several praises or attributes. Other times, it is just one.

Heavenly Father, you are Almighty, you are Beautiful, the Beginning and the end. You Created the heavens and the earth. You are my Deliverer. You are Eternal. Your love goes on Forever. Great are your works, Oh Lord! You are Holy, the great "I Am." You have Justified me. You Keep me in the shadow of your wings. You are all Knowing and Loving. Father, you are the Maker of everything. You Made me and have promised to Never leave my side. Only you, oh Lord are worthy of my praises and my full admiration. You give me strength to Persevere and to never Quit the race set before me. You have promised me Rest when I come into your presence. You are my Salvation and my Truth. You bring the Ultimate Victory against the lies of the evil one. You are Wonderful. Yahweh. Thank you, that I will be one day in  Zion. In your very presence. Why do I get so hung up on things here on Earth, Lord? Why do I not trust you? Lord Jesus, thank you for loving me all the time. Every minute of every day...even when I am straying away from you. Help me to be ever faithful to you each day. Amen.

As you can see, sometimes it doesn't end at "Z." Sometimes I keep going and drop the alphabet entirely or I start over. Sometimes I fall asleep in the middle of it, but I know that my Father doesn't mind...just as I didn't mind if one of my children fell asleep while I read to them. I have never prayed the same alphabet prayer twice. Sometimes I vary it to be a prayer of gratefulness and I name blessings he has brought to me.

I hope this post encourages you and gives you a tool to use to combat the lies the enemy tells.

(If anyone can come up with something for "X" or another "Q,"  just leave your suggestion in the comments.)

Yielding to His will for me

The Lord has shown me again and again that He knows everything that will happen to me and He is not surprised by it.

I need to absolutely trust Him. Why shouldn't I? He loves me. He has been there in my darkest times. It was then that He whispered to me to choose life. It was difficult because everything within me was screaming out for me to choose the opposite. I heard that whisper and clung to that. He brought me through it.

He has told me things that at the time, I did not want to hear. But now...years later, I find comfort in. Things that made me say, "No. Lord! I cannot bear that! Why? Please don't!" and now I look back and say, "My Heavenly Father knew. He knew. And it was all right in the end...He knew it all before it happened. It went all according to His plan."

I just want things my way sometimes. I am very arrogant to think that I know a better way.

Through a Glass Darkly

Most of the time I feel pretty strong...like I am doing well in spite of life's bumps and bruises...(and festering wounds). At those times, I can be joyful and go about life with little worry or concern about life's disappointments, both present day and in the past.

Lately I have been struggling again. I have to cling to the hope that it will all become clear one day and I can look back on this life and say, "Of course! Now it all makes sense why God allowed that to happen. In fact, it was part of his plan and it was perfect!" For now, I see through a glass darkly. I sometimes feel like I am clinging for dear life to a raft in the middle of an ocean...where the waves are buffeting me and threatening to pull me under.

Graduate!

We had a graduation party for our daughter on Saturday. In spite of the rain, it was a success. I'm thankful for the great accomodations at Onanda Park.

Congratulations Audra! We are proud of you!

Some Really Eerie Similarites and Lessons I've Learned About Life

My oldest daughter Audra.

• My daughter is 18 years old. 
• She looks something like me.
• She doesn't like running.
• She has seriously considered choosing mathematics as her college major.
• She works in our town's public library.
• She is going to her senior ball (which is tomorrow night) with a young man named Steven.
• She and her date (along with their group of friends) are going out to dinner before the ball at a restaurant in Bushnell's Basin.

When I found out that last one, I thought to myself, "Please do not tell me that it is Richardson's Canal House." (It still exists...I checked)

"What is the name of it?" I casually asked.

"Branca's," she said.

I really felt a sense of relief hearing that. Keep in mind that my daughter knows absolutely nothing about my own dating history. No names, dates, restaurants, etc.

The only thing she knows is that I worked at the public library in my home town too, I did my undergrad in math, I'm not a runner,...and that people say she looks like me. 

She does not really want to be like me at all. She says she will NEVER become a librarian.

She will be going off to college in Indiana in the fall. I am praying that she transitions well to college life, that she will never encounter the serious trouble with major depression that I experienced during my sophomore year (my first year at a college away from home). I don't think I could bear seeing my daughter go through that.

If she ever does go through that, she will know that depression is a medical condition that she is not at fault for. She will know that she can get medical intervention. These are all things that I did not understand all of those years ago. No one understood. I was pretty much on my own with it. My entire life was turned upside down that year and I experienced my greatest heartbreaks, losses, and pain...all because of major depression. It took me approximately two years to recover physically from it...but many more years to recover emotionally. I also know that the Lord planned all of it and that He was with me during that time. I even believe that it was His plan that the people in my life misunderstand me and come to false conclusions about what was going on. Some of them completely turned their backs on me. It was an awful, but necessary pain for me...but I still don't want any of my children to experience it. I can't control that. I need to let go and trust God for His plan in their lives.

I have forgiven the people who hurt me and I have forgiven myself for hurting others, but sometimes I still feel the bruises in that most tender spot in my heart and have to remind myself that...

He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept his ways without turning aside. Job 23:10-11

It is true that I went through that horrendous experience. It really ended up being one of the most pivotal points of my life. It has shaped who I am today, but through it all...I kept my faith in Christ. I have come to the conclusion that walking with Christ and learning to put Him first in your life is what life is really all about. It is not about falling in love and getting married, and having children, a great career, and then saving money so you can retire comfortably. I'm not denying that these can be truly fulfilling things in life, they can be. But life is about making the choice to follow Christ...and sticking with it, even when life throws you some curve balls.

My Famous Nephew

Seen in the break room at Pal-Mac Intermediate School.

And some of you are saying, "So what?"  (I could hear you)

What is totally cool is that the design on this little paper cup was created by my nephew, Jim. He is all grown up now and lives in St. Paul, MN and is a graphic artist. How many of you can say that you know someone who created art that was put onto paper products that are being used (and thrown away) at picnics all across the USA? Pretty cool, huh? Check out my sister's post: Designer Paper Plates

What added to the coolness of the moment was that the school's art teacher walked in and I told her about Jim's designer paper plates. I told her he grew up in that little town just north of current location. She took the paper cup to show her students and talk to them about it!

Is that cool or what?

Running

Today my husband ran a half marathon. He's done a full marathon before and several triathlons. I haven't.

I really admire runners. I admire their tenacity, their grit...their drive. I'm a little bit intimidated by them too if I'm honest about it. I just don't seem to have what it takes to be successful with running. Whenever I have run...I've always wanted it to be over. I've never loved it. I once made up my mind that I would run in a 5k. It was not an easy one either. I trained all summer...and at the end of August I ran that 5k without stopping. I did it! I wasn't very fast...in fact, I was among the slowest in my age group. After it was over...I was glad! People had told me that running would be addictive, but I didn't feel any withdrawal symptoms when I didn't run again.

Somehow, when it came to running, I didn't have the tenacity and drive and grit it takes to keep it up. I've tried to make myself love it...but can't seem to do it.

Years and years ago I dated a runner. He wanted me to become a runner too. I remember feeling my stomach knot up whenever he alluded to me taking up running. Little did he know, I was already struggling with my sense of self-worth and couldn't figure out what he saw in me. I carefully hid those feelings from him. Having him express his disappointment that I wasn't a runner didn't help matters. Later on in life, I met and married Jamie, a non-runner at the time. I remember telling him how I didn't like running. He felt the same and I remember feeling a sense of relief.

But alas there came a time when he decided to try running in our church's annual 5k race. For him it WAS addictive. He had to run another and then another one. Soon he was wracking up too many 5ks to count. They were getting too easy. So he moved on to longer races. Then he tackled his first Marathon. After that, he couldn't find contentment, so he started training and competing in triathlons. We even birthed a runner! Our son, Allen enjoys the sport very much. Jamie and I hang out with people who run and compete. Luckily for me, there are few others like me in our crowd. Two or three other wives who aren't into it either...and even a husband or two. All along, Jamie has never asked me to run...or has even hinted at it. He seems comfortable with me being who I am...but I admit that once in a while there is this 18 year old girl inside of me who struggles with a feelings of inadequacy.

I really am proud of my husband and how he has this drive to do this sport.

Peeling the Onion

I should nick name our house, "The Onion"...for whenever we peel back a layer to do some work...we discover more work that needs to be done. In this case it is the porch roof, which had been leaking. Naturally, we discovered rotting old plywood...which we removed. Then..of course we discovered rotting planks. The joists had some damage, but seemed solid enough...so we are going with them.
We hope to eventually tear off the entire porch and rebuild it...but for now, we need to focus on the problem at hand.

And of course...in the process of climbing in and out of Allen's bedroom window to access the porch roof, his windowsill seemed a bit loose. Upon investigating beneath the old metal window wrap, it was discovered that the wood itself was mostly nonexistent because of dry rot and carpenter bees. So we ditched the wrap which was over said sill...and now we need to rebuild the bottom part of the frame.

I am grateful for friends that come and volunteer to help my husband. A true blessing.

I am so thankful that progress has been made on The Onion this weekend.

My husband also casually mentioned the possibility of painting the house. Here's hoping! I have been longing to paint it for years, but have been respectful of my husband who did not want to waste time, energy and money to paint when he plans to update the siding.

Whenever I am tempted to complain about the progress of fixing up The Onion...I have to remember this:

By the world's standards, I have it pretty good.

This Old House

Do you remember this post with this picture?

Now the little house looks like this.

I'm not sure what happened to all of the things that Alicia and I glued on it in 2009. The only thing left on it is one of the keys and the penny. The wrench, ruler, gasket and two other keys have all disappeared. Where? I don't know, for I never saw any of the items on the ground. 

It is kind of sad what time has done to the little house, but yesterday I discovered that in spite of appearances, the little house has a family of chickadees living in it. 

It seems like there could be a good sermon illustration somewhere in this. Let me know if you think of one...include scripture references.

Clinging to Truth

I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him. (‭Psalm‬ ‭40‬:‭1-3‬ NIV)

More Winter Outdoor Fun

Last year my husband and son, along with Ed, a family friend, went winter hiking in the Adirondacks. This year was no different. I think this might become a yearly tradition for them.

Here they are a on top of Esther Mountain.

Allen and Jamie, along the trail yesterday.

Allen standing at the peak of Whiteface Mountain.

Technology is really something, isn't it? Remember the days when we would have rolls of film to take home with us from our excursions? We would have to take them to a film developer, wait several days, pick up the pictures...only to discover that most of them were lousy. All of these pictures were taken yesterday and uploaded onto a computer last night! Hurray for technology!

I am glad they are making memories together this way.
In the meantime, I am home preparing for their arrival today. Last weekend was Allen's 20th birthday but we are celebrating it this weekend since he will be home. Yesterday was Pi day...but it was this morning that I managed to bake the banana cream pie that Allen requested.

Incidently, did you know that you can bake a cream pie using almond milk and it turns out wonderful? Allen has a lactose intolerance...and actually I suffer from that a bit too. Just so you know, almond milk makes a great cream pie and you would never know you weren't eating dairy!

They should be home in a few hours!

Another glorious day on the ski trails!

Today I went skiing again with my friends, Lisa and Martha (not my sister). The sun was again shining just gloriously. It was great to be out in God's creation. It was just beautiful...about 30°F, with a slight wind.

I discovered that a couple of the trails that Gretchen and I had skied last week were completely gone because of drifting. Here is Martha trying to blaze one of these trails...but we had to turn around. It got to the point where we had not idea where the trail was. Were we on the trail or simply in the middle of the woods? Not only that, but the snow was too deep.

You can't tell by this picture, but I was actually coming down a hill! I am pleased because I am still standing. I only fell three times.

The Meitners certainly have a beautiful place.

All of these photos come courtesy of Lisa. I wish I had taken one of her now.

Beautiful Sunny and "Warm" Day

It was a beautiful day today. It was warm! About 23°F or so! The sun was shining vibrantly. I went cross country skiing with my friend Gretchen. Just what I needed to help boost those serotonin levels. If I was as fabulous as my sister Martha is...I'd have all sorts of beautiful pictures to show you....but I don't. You will just have to use your imagination then!

Picture two ladies (both of us librarians, does this help with the image? ...just kidding)...skiing through the woods and sometimes out again...with two dogs (beagle mix, german shorthair pointer). One dog happy and excited about the whole thing...mr energy, german shorthair pointer and the other...older, slower, fatter...but pretty happy just the same, beagle mix.

I had a great time...I'm not sure why I haven't done this more often.

Mother

It was one year ago today that my mother went to her real home in heaven. I know she's in a much better place and much happier too.

(That is baby Simon in her lap. One of her great grandchildren)

Getting through this month.

I will have to say that February is not one of my favorite months. There seem to be a number of significant losses that have occurred in my life during the month of February. I'm looking forward to this month ending. Only a few more days to go.

Today I had the day off because I took Alicia up to Rochester to get her spine looked at. She has scoliosis and we need to go to the specialist from time to time. The good news is that the curvatures in her spine are not getting significantly worse. The lower curve measured slightly greater, but not alarmingly. The best news is that Alicia seems to have stopped growing. She has topped out at 5'3", (That is three and a half inches shorter than I am.) This is good news because that means that the curvature won't get any worse. I never imagined that I would end up with a daughter who is significantly shorter than I, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since her father is on the shorter end of the spectrum.

On Monday and Tuesday I began per diem subbing once again. I am not too thrilled to end up doing that again...but I am trying to be thankful for any work. Besides that, God had a few surprises for me.

On Monday I subbed at the 3-5 building in Pal-Mac district and saw one of my former students from Dewitt Rd. On "moving up day" in June last year, I had a handful of kids who came to the library because they were moving away from Dewitt and wouldn't be attending there anymore. One of the boys, J told me that he had moved to Marion and was currently being driven to Webster to finish out the year. Just for fun we "Google-earthed" his school. We found Marion Elementary School quite easily and he seemed pleased. However, there he was on Monday at the school in Palmyra instead. Apparently his father decided that they would move over the summer once again and so Palmyra it is. I said, "We Google-earthed the wrong school, Bud." He said, "Yeah. I know."

The next day I subbed at Schlegel Road Elementary School, which is within the same district as DeWitt. When I walked into the building, I saw one of my students (M) walking down the hall. He didn't appear to notice me and I couldn't think of his name quick enough to get his attention, but it was still nice to see one familiar face. I figured that would be the end of it.  At some point during the day, I had to deliver a book to a fifth grade classroom. I walked in and waited for the teacher to notice I was there, when I noticed a boy to my left calling to me. It was another former student. (C).  He seemed genuinely happy to see me. I have to admit that he was always one of my favorites. He was quite the little reader and always willing to discuss the books he was reading and tell me which books I should definitely read next. He was also always well behaved and a bit of a scholar. He was the kind of kid who didn't mind talking to a 40 something year old lady. That type is rare...believe me. He told me that I should get a job next year at the middle school he will be attending. That one made my day! Unfortunately, that probably won't be likely as I don't anticipate the librarian at that school being done with her job.

When I returned to the library, I was expecting a special ed class to come in. In walked 3 more of my former students. These three didn't move...but are now being bussed to the new school because of the services provided there. They are autistic and nonverbal...similar to my own brother, so it is hard to say whether or not they recognized or cared that I was there. That didn't matter to me because I understand not to take it personally. It still was good to see them. The above picture is of one of these sweet little boys that came in today. I took it last year at DeWitt.

Today I am nursing a bit of a cold and can't seem to get warm. I'm not liking the prospect of being ill.

He's Got Your Back!

Jeremiah 29:11-13

11 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for well-being, and not for calamity, in order to give you a future and a hope. 12 When you call out to me and come and pray to me, I’ll hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you search for me with all your heart. 

Frozen

We just finished taking the tour of Grove City College. It is about -1°F (I just checked) so we were sufficiently frozen. Audra had her interview and I think we were sufficiently impressed by the place. My memories of taking a tour myself back in 1985 are pretty faded. There are a number of new buildings and I just don't have many clear memories to compare it.

Allen is still trying to convince Audra to go to Gordon with him.

I'm glad that my kids are having the opportunity to look at different colleges in order to make a decision. I really didn't have that when I was planning to go away to study. The only reason I had the Grove City tour was that an interview was required. My father obligingly drove me there for it and the tour was included. I will say that it was a bit of a turning point for my father's attitude about me going to school in the first place. He seemed more supportive after that, but my parents still had absolutely no clue about how to help me find a college that fit me well. As it turned out, I never got another tour anywhere and showed up to the college I ended up choosing, to see it for the first time as I registered for classes. I remember feeling a bit disappointed. It wasn't what I thought it would be...but I knew I had to decide to like it and make it work. I didn't want my father to say, "See? I told you so." It was a rather stressful way to start the semester. I decided to like it. What choice did I have? Attitude is everything. I'm so grateful that I know better than to put my kids through that.  All in all...it ended up working for me. God was near me as I started the college journey and I got an education.

We are in a hotel room...warming up with hot chocolate and tea. Happy to find warmth and shelter.

God is Near

I am thinking of the Conrow family today. Last week they held their 6 year old daughter as she died from brain cancer. I can only imagine the great sorrow they are feeling. I've been in touch with Amanda's grandfather, who was my high school geometry teacher. He was a wonderful man of God and always encouraged me in my walk with the Lord. He sent me an email this morning with heartfelt words from his daughter, Liz.

I've been broken-hearted before. I've been crushed in spirit. I remember in high school when my brother passed away, I taped a Bible verse on the wall next to my bed...so I would see it as soon as I woke up in the morning. I did the same thing in college during a difficult time.

Psalm 34:18

18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
    and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I know that God has given me a heart that is able to empathize with others...so in a way, thinking about their sorrow brings back some memories of my own sorrows. I don't want to think only of myself during this time. I don't always know how to transfer my empathy into a proper way of caring for others.

Just pray for this family.  They have buried their little 6 year old daughter this past week. Their arms feel empty and their hearts are broken.

Last Day At Martha Brown

"And after they duck taped my husband to the tree..."

So why would anyone have any reason to begin a sentence like that?....read on, my friend!

Yesterday, it was my last day in Fairport CSD as school librarian at Martha Brown Middle School. I threw a little party in my homeroom to say goodbye. I brought in a gallon of cider and some timbits from Tim Horton's. One of the boys said, "Mrs.B can you show us another video that your husband's company made?" So I showed them one of my favorites. Snow Day from 2010.




After they finished watching it, I had to tell this story.

"After they duck taped my husband to the tree, a Canandaigua school bus came by. The driver stopped the bus, opened the door and said, 'Is everything okay here?' He then called in a report about it to the bus garage."

 I'm not sure if the report made it to the police after that...but that whole incident just makes watching the video all the more amusing to me. Dave and Jason LaBarge certainly make the work environment fun at the company they own.

Anyway...the kids all really enjoyed the video and I hope you do too. I will really miss it at Martha Brown. I cannot say enough about that school. I thought the staff was great! The students were too. I loved every day of my job there. I honestly can say that there was not one single day that I felt like I didn't just love my job!

P.S. I only showed them Snow Day....not the video that immediately follows it.