The Path of Pain and Forgiveness

I've been doing a lot of thinking and reflecting this past year about my life, and I believe that I have come to peace with painful events of the past. Today I stumbled upon a poem by Amy Carmichael which explains my journey during the past 29 years pretty accurately.

In Acceptance Lieth Peace

He said, ‘I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places,
They shall be filled again.
O voices moaning deep within me, cease.’
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace.

He said, ‘I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir me and sustain;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood cease.’
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavour lieth peace.

He said, ‘I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life’s riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease.’
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, ‘I will submit; I am defeated.
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings, why will ye not cease?’
But vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace.

He said, ‘I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God tomorrow
Will to His son explain.’
Then did the turmoil deep within me cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in Acceptance lieth peace.

I have come to the conclusion that the illness I suffered in college was planned by the Lord and that the subsequent events that followed this illness were all supposed to happen. It all went down according to the plan. This idea was first presented to me by a Christian psychologist that I went to see about 15 years ago. I thought that sounded impossible to be true and so I rejected her words. Consequently I wrestled with pain and unforgiveness for several more years. I reasoned that something so wrong and terrible couldn't possibly be part of God's plan for me. However, I have come full circle. By saying that it was all a mistake and that it wasn't supposed to happen implies that it somehow slipped by God, that He was asleep on the job, or that He really isn't in control of the world. If He is in control, but I still think that it was all terrible, then I am forced to believe that God is actually quite cruel.

No. I believe that God is good and that He is in control. I believe that we are given trials to develop our faith and character. It sounds so cliche...but I see its truth in my life. I believe there are certain paths that we are destined for....but I also believe that the Lord gives us choices along that path. I don't profess to have it all figured out. There is a certain mystery to it all. This is where true faith develops. I'll never totally understand the answer to, "Why did that need to happen?" Accepting that I won't understand it during this lifetime and deciding that it is okay that I don't understand has helped.

The other "aha moment" that brought about this change was learning to see my mother as human. One who makes mistakes. I recognize that she carried a tremendous amount of pain in her heart about things that happened in her life too. She was also someone who was good. She was a godly woman who was mostly a blessing to me. I was far more blessed by her than the opposite....but Satan wants to cloud my memory regarding her. I am also a human who make mistakes. God's grace is sufficient enough to cover my own sin. He has forgiven me and He has forgiven her. For me to not forgive her (or anyone else) is to have the arrogance to believe that I know better than God does. That is just more sin on my part.

This past winter, I went to Prayer Central at my church. It is a room that you can go to after any of the services to ask for prayer. I went there to ask for prayer regarding my unforgiveness towards my mother. I didn't tell them my entire story, but I told them that I felt very angry towards my mother because 28 years earlier, she had hurt me very deeply. It took me several years to put all of the pieces together in order to figure out what happened all those years ago. So I went to Prayer Central and told the woman there that I needed help getting past this. It seemed to me that this was the last ugly black talon that Satan had my heart pierced with. This woman prayed for me. She prayed that the Lord would help me get to the point of acceptance...that I would look back on my life and see this as something that just simply happened, and that I would no longer have the bondage of anger that came with it. I thought to myself, "Yes, Lord. This is what I want...to see it as something that simply happened...without all of the anger about it."

I believe that I have finally reached this point. I am not fool enough to believe that the enemy won't attack again, but he has lost this battle. I shared this, because I know there are many people who have hurts and anger over things that happened to them that were not entirely fair. I hope I can encourage at least one other person to find acceptance for what happened to them and to be able to forgive those who wronged them.

Sad Day at Wayne

This morning I got to work to find out that one of our students died early this morning from injuries sustained in a car crash last night. He was a junior...age 17. He was 2 months younger than my own daughter. I'm heartbroken for his family. He was new to our district. I don't know if he had any siblings, but I only saw his mom listed as a parent. He was driving the car that crashed. No one else was in the car at the time and no other vehicles were involved.

I just talked to this student last week when he came into our library and signed out a book. I remember our short and seemingly insignificant conversation. You just never know when you will talk to someone for the last time. It's a reminder that the way we treat one another is so important. I'm glad my last conversation with him was not scolding him for something really trivial. I try not to do that with students anyway, but sometimes I've disappointed myself. This is a good reminder regarding that. Librarians can have a reputation for being crabby. I try to break that stereotype all the time.

Upon hearing the news, I immediately went into our circulation system, marked the book as lost, and removed the fine. I just don't want an overdue reminder or bill to be accidentally sent to his mom. Who cares about a book in light of this tragedy?

Beaver Camp Fun-Summer of 2016

This is the camp my daughter worked at this summer. Check her out at 1:38-1:43. She's also at 2:38-2:40...and a few other minor appearances that are quick. I'm really grateful for this camp. My kids went here as campers and 2 of them have worked here. Beaver Camp has made a profound impact on them spiritually.

The CBS Question that Stopped Me in My Tracks

This post was originally created on February 12, 2016...but I kept it as a draft. I think it is very insightful and that is why I'm publishing it today. I had published it one time before...but changed my mind. Besides that, it was buried in the archives where no one was likely to read it and comment. As the Lord gives me these insightful truths, it brings leaps of healing. I hope it can help and inspire someone else.


I wrote this post over a month ago...but was too self conscious to post it. I don't like people to know my personal struggles. I've been thinking about this post...especially since the anniversary of this loss is rolling closer. February is a difficult month for me. I struggle with Valentine's Day. I even told my husband once that I hate Valentine's Day and that I don't want to celebrate it. Buy me chocolate and flowers on any other day of the year....but don't buy it on that day. He hasn't always listened to this advice.

Anyway...in my quest to be more honest about myself, I've decided to post it after all.
.........

“You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it; you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.”
‭‭Psalm‬ ‭51:16-17‬ ‭NIV‬‬

.....

For personal thought: which of the previously mentioned offerings would most involve genuine sacrifice on your part? Why? (Community Bible Study, Study guide for the book of Mark. Page 170)

The offerings mentioned:

• a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart (Psalm 51:16-17....the verse written out above in red)
• praise (Hebrew 13:15-16)
• mercy and acknowledgment of God (Hosea 6:6)
• our bodies and mind (Romans 12:1-2)

I stared at the question for several minutes while I considered each one of the choices, trying to decide what my answer would be.  I came to the first choice: the broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart. "Well...I've gotten that one down," I thought to myself. I was about to look at the next choice when a second thought came into my mind. "But do you? Do you really have that one down?" I stopped and thought about it. I decided that I don't have that one down at all.

That one seems to be giving me the most difficulty. It seems like I actually hold onto my broken heart and my broken spirit. When I sense it slipping away...I grip it a little tighter...being afraid to let it go. I can't seem to sacrifice it entirely. Or is it that I won't sacrifice it? Perhaps I am afraid of losing the little bit I have left of something long ago lost. Really? Is that it? I can tell myself that this is foolish and faulty thinking. Do I really want this pain in my life? No! I hate it!

Then why can't I get rid of it? Why can't I just sacrifice it and be done with it? I know it is wrong...and yet I hold onto it. I can't...or won't really let it go. How do I put something on the alter that I have held onto for so long? There have been times when I've thought it is gone...but then there it is, back in my grip again. Must it always be a continual sacrifice? Again and again? Can't I just sacrifice it once and for all? Why must I see it once again in my possession?

I don't seem to have this one down at all.

"Oh, Heavenly Father. I sacrifice it to you. I lay it on the alter! I don't want it anymore!  It is yours."

On Being Wounded

I have been listening to the Chronicles of Narnia series on audio. I read it aloud to the kids when they were little...and decided it was time for someone to read it to me.

I've always known about the Christian symbolism in the book, but somehow it has hit me anew while listening to The Horse and His Boy. There is one part of the book where a lion attacks Aravis while she is riding on Hwin. She ends up with scratches from the lion's claws down her back. She is laid up with these wounds for some time afterwards. Later on in the book, Shasta discovers that it was Aslan who wounded Aravis. He asks Aslan why he would do such a thing. Aslan answers that he will only tell Shasta his own story, not Aravis's story.

I have a story. I have been wounded. As I look back at my life, I see indications that the Lord knew what was going to happen to me all along. He knows my story even better than I do. I couldn't prevent my deep wounds from happening even though it seemed as though I should have been able to. I wanted to set the record straight with those who misunderstood me, but the Lord would not allow me to. He closed the doors time and time again and sometimes didn't open the doors at all.

 I really believe that He wounded me. I have gotten into discussions about this very topic in the past with people who disagree. They would say, "Oh no. The Lord never wounds, but he only allows us to be wounded." I disagree because the scriptures mention that the Lord afflicts. (Psalm 119:75) Besides that, if He doesn't do it...then is He asleep on the job when it happens? Does He hire the devil to do his dirty work? Is He actually a cruel God who stands by and watches us get hurt without coming to our defense? No! Of course not.

God is good. He is just. He has purposes that we don't understand. It really was His plan that I be terribly misunderstood and consequently rejected by people I loved deeply. I don't know if I'll ever understand the reasons why on this side of eternity. I am coming closer than ever to being totally at peace about this. I know the truth is that it was supposed to happen.

Here is a quote that I love from the book. It occurs while Shasta is speaking to a mysterious traveling companion after getting lost in a fog. He concludes that he is the most unlucky boy. This is what Aslan says to him:

"I was the lion who forced you to join with Aravis. I was the cat who comforted you among the houses of the dead. I was the lion who drove the jackals from you while you slept. I was the lion who gave the horses the new strength of fear for the last mile so that you should reach King Lune in time. And I was the lion you do not remember who pushed the boat in which you lay, a child near death, so that it came to shore where a man sat, wakeful at midnight, to receive you."

He has greater purposes for the "misfortunes" that we encounter during our lives. He is working in ways that we are not aware of. I'm getting closer. Yes...I am.

I only now ask for your prayers that the ruminating about it would stop. It sounds easy to others to simpy stop thinking about it...but it isn't easy. It is like my thoughts automatically gravitate towards this deep groove running through my mind. I would appreciate your prayers about this.

My Beautiful Children

It has been a while since I have been here. Allen and Audra are home from college. In June, Audra will be going to Beaver Camp up in the Adirondacks. She will spend the summer working as a life guard and camp counselor. Allen had planned on going to Colorado to work on maintaining trails in the Rockies, but his plans have changed. Instead, he will be staying here for the summer. He already has gotten a job with a landscaping company. He will start on June 1st. In the meantime, he has gone up to Beaver Camp to work for a few days. This coming weekend he will be driving to NC to join his ultimate frisbee team in a tournament. Next week, his girlfriend is coming here for a visit. She lives outside of Chicago. Alicia and I haven't met her yet. Jamie met her when he went to IWU to pick up Audra.

This weekend was Alicia's junior prom. This is my favorite picture of all!

Winter Hike 2016

Every year my husband and son, along with Ed (a family friend) go on a winter hike in the Adirondack Mountains.
Allen is now up to 42 high peaks. Only 4 more to go to become a 46er! Jamie is up to 9 high peaks.

They hiked 2 high peaks. Tabletop and Colden.

Here are Allen and Jamie on Mt Colden. Allen has hiked to the top of this mountain before, so only added one new high peak on this trip. Both Jamie and Ed added two. That is Mt. Marcy in the background.  They had a great time. I picked them up from the thruway exit on Monday night around 7:30. I'm proud of them!

Devotional Blog

You should check out my devotional blog. Click on the butterfly in the margin on the right. It is so much better than the fluff I write on this blog.

And now, the 2016 list of 51 things you might not know about me

I can't get motivated to work on the story I started.

I just found this old post and decided to try it again. So here we go again....51 things about me that three people will read. And 2 out of 3 people who read my blog are my sisters...so it will be very boring for them.

1. I feel things so deeply that my heart still aches even years later.
2. I wish that wasn't the case....but I suppose that it makes me much more sensitive to the feelings of others.
3. I remember details of events that happened as far back as my childhood.
4. I'm usually good at and have an innate sense of direction...except for when I don't.
5. Consequently, I don't fear getting lost...even if I am driving somewhere that I have never been to.
6. In college, during my undergrad, I studied mathematics...which was a totally wrong major for me. During this time, I figured out that I really wasn't a mathematician. Rather, I was a person who was fairly good at memorizing formulas and then plugging in numbers to get an answer. (Okay...maybe I was a little better than that, but not much)
7. I was very stressed out about #6, but I was suffering from a mental illness and surviving that took all of my energy. I had nothing left to figure out a better major.
8. I cannot figure out how I passed some of the classes I took during that dark period of time...particularly during the spring of 87. I am positive that I should have failed my linear algebra class.
9. I am melancholic and I hate it! 
10. I'm a pretty good cook. I have even made up recipes that have turned out to be delicious.
11. I've never been much of a baker. I leave that to Martha.
12. I miss being a stay at home mom.
13. But I DO love my job and I feel very blessed to have found something that fits me so well.
14. I hate the television show: Shark Tank. (It's on right now.) My husband loves it. I think I hate it because I know that if I ever was on that show, I would be chewed up and spit out by the millionaires on the panel. Especially by "Mr Wonderful" who I can't stand because he is so mean!
15. I can't eat very creamy food....which makes me sad because I love ice cream.
16. I have given up eating meat that comes from animals that walk on four legs.
17. I take 150 mg of bupropion daily. If I don't take it, I turn into a depressed recluse.
18. I shouldn't write a list of 51 things when I am in a melancholic mood.
19. On the last list I wrote, in 2006...For #32, I wrote "I won't go to a high school reunion." Well...I went to one this past summer and I had fun!
20. I can speak and understand some Spanish, but I am not fluent.
21. I really want another dog. I think it would be therapeutic for me.
22. I married someone who is not a dog person! This is very frustrating to me!
23. In spite of #6 above, I had absolutely no trouble subbing for a geometry class at Pal-Mac HS two years ago and even went over a proof with them on the board.
24. I subbed for a trigonometry class next and couldn't remember a thing! I was useless!
25. I always wanted to be in a musical during HS, but never did it. I was finally in a major production when I was 29. I was in the chorus. My husband had the lead.
26. I can't go anywhere with my husband where he does not run into someone he knows. I sometimes get annoyed by this.
27. I love Nicciolata. It is the best. If you haven't tried it, you're missing out. I suggest that you buy a jar and enjoy a spoonful from time to time.
28. I love Mexican food.
29. My hair is curly. It never was curly until I was in my 30s. I like it.
30. The problem with having curly hair (and being the only one in the family with curly hair) is that if someone finds it in the food, you can't pretend it isn't yours.
31. I suffer from insomnia very often. 
32. Luckily I have learned to function fairly well on little sleep...which is interesting considering that on my list in 2006, I claim to absolutely need 8 hours of sleep. I've adapted out of necessity.
33. I hate chocolate bars with coconut in them. Coconut does not belong in any candy!
34. When presented with a box of chocolates, I usually end up with the one with coconut in it or something just as gross.
35. I think that all of the chocolates in a box of chocolates should have caramel in them. Don't waste my time with all the others.
36. My life verse is Job 23:10. 
37. I sometimes stalk people on the Internet. I'm admitting this because I am fairly sure that most people do this from time to time.
38. I wonder if anyone ever stalks me on me Internet.
39. I sometimes Google myself to see what comes up.
40. I wish I was more adventurous. I'm a bit envious of people who are. You would think that I could just make myself be more adventurous, but I can't seem to successfully do that. I'm very cautious. It is my downfall.
41. I would like to go to Europe. I never expected to reach age 49 without ever getting there yet.
42. I DID make it to South America and I'd like to go again.
43. I can't wear high heeled shoes. It's that trick toe again. (See #20 from 2006) I even have trouble with some flat ones. The cuter and more feminine the shoe, the less likely I am able to wear it without trouble.
44. I am doomed to wear old lady shoes some day.
45. I learned to cook simply by watching my mother in the kitchen. When I got married, there were things that I had never made before, but I made them just as if I had because I had watched my mother do it hundreds of times.
46. My kids never wanted to spend any time with me in the kitchen. This made me sad while they were growing up because I always thought cooking would be an activity I shared with them. I'm worried that they won't know how to cook when they need to some day.
47. When I was graduating from high school, several people suggested that I study library science because I worked at our town's public library. I thought they were crazy! I swore that I would never do it.
48. Becoming a librarian was a very good decision for me. It fits me very well and I am very happy in this profession.
49. I'm still surprised and amused that I have a masters degree and career in my middle age. I never would have dreamed that I would accomplish that. Wow! Who knew?
50. I have tinnitus. In both ears. It usually doesn't bother me until I am in a quiet room. Recently, I've started going to sleep with white noise playing. It helps a lot. I put it on a timer that is timed to turn off two hours after it starts.
51. I typically play ocean waves as my white noise. it in no way makes me think or even imagine that I'm on a beach.

And that, my friends, is my 2016 list of 51 things you didn't know about me! Ten years after the other one! So much has changed in 10 years...but I would say that the old list is still about 84% true. I'm still somewhat of a math geek (but not a true mathematician) in that I actually went through the list, counted the number of things that are no longer true, and figured that percentage out.

Do Angels Ever Sit on Bladders?...A Camping Story

When I was a child, we used to go camping as a family. We camped in a Bethany trailer camper, which was really a tent on wheels. I have lovingly stolen the picture below from my sister Martha's blog. I don't feel guilty, because it is really my father's photo...as he was the one who took it.

I am the little girl in the red. Martha is the little girl on the far left, and the other child is my sister Rachel. That is my mother with us.

I'm not sure what year it was, but it was an unseasonably cold summer night. I was about 7 I think. We were camping and getting ready to snuggle into our sleeping bags for the night. It was so chilly that my father had brought along a small kerosene space heater. He put it on the floor of the camper so it would generate some heat for us and we went to bed.

It was the middle of the night when I woke up with a very full bladder. I didn't want to get up. It was cold, I just wanted to sleep,...and besides that, the camp bath building was a hike down dark, scary trails. I didn't want to wake either of my parents up. I tried to ignore the sensation. It didn't get any better, that's for sure. I finally decided that I would need to get up and make the necessary trip to the camp bathroom. I climbed out of my sleeping bag and then over the top of my sleeping sister Martha. I made it to the floor of the camper. Everyone else was fast asleep. It was then that I noticed that my sister's pillow had fallen down. I picked it up and tossed it back onto the sleeping platform that she and I shared. I started looking for my shoes and thinking about waking up one of my parents so I wouldn't have to walk alone in the dark.

Suddenly I noticed that while I still had to go to the bathroom, the physical discomfort didn't seem nearly as bad as it had when I had first woken up out of a deep sleep. I didn't think I really needed to bother with the trip after all. I was sure I could hold it until morning, so I left my shoes where they were and once again climbed up over my still sleeping sister, and settled into my sleeping bag. I was comfortably dreaming in no time.

The next morning, we were all up and getting ready to start a new day. Mom started rolling up the sleeping bags and setting up the table that folded down into a sleeping platform. Dad was out starting a fire so breakfast could be cooked, and coffee made for him and Mom. Suddenly, I heard Mom gasp in alarm and ask, "What happened to this?! Who did this!?" She was holding up the pillow I had picked up in the middle of the night. It had dark brown scorch marks on it. I still remember that they were in the shape of the mesh covering that formed the top of the space heater. I was a little afraid to answer her. I thought maybe I had done something wrong.

"Who put this up here?" She asked again. Martha acknowledged that it was her pillow, but she didn't know what had happened to it. I finally fessed up. I told her how I had gotten up in the middle of the night because I had to go to the bathroom really really bad. I told her how I had seen the pillow and knew it had fallen.I just put it back up onto the platform, tossing it toward the end of our sleeping bags...where our short little bodies couldn't reach.

I'll never forget what my mother said next. "Priscilla, that was an angel who woke you up! If you hadn't picked this pillow up, it would have soon burst into flames and we would have all died in a fire!" This left such a big impression on me. A guardian angel had woken me up in the middle of the night. God had used me to save my family from an impending disaster.

Years later while I was in college, I tried to relay this story to some friends. They missed the point and focused on the notion that an angel supposedly had made me feel as though I had to go to the bathroom urgently. They poked fun about it. They made my story seem silly. I don't even think I ended up telling them the rest of it. They had made me feel foolish.

Who's to say that the Lord wouldn't ever send an angel to make a little girl feel like she must get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night in order to save her and her family from certain calamity? Why not?

(Post Script: that was the end of using space heaters in the camper)

Shocked

Every once in awhile I think about an old friend I haven't seen in years and wonder how they are doing. Today I thought about my friend, Jack. I haven't seen him in years. I had googled him about 3 or 4 years ago and discovered that he was working for Google out in California. I wasn't entirely surprised since he was a genius with mathematics and science. When I was friends with him he was a graduate student at the University of Rochester. You can read about some of the programming he wrote that most of use pretty much everyday here. I had also enjoyed reading his humorous blog.

This afternoon, I Googled him again to see what he's up to. I ended up finding his obituary! He passed away on January 7th of 2015. I am so shocked and saddened by this. I am sad for his wife and two kids. Right now, his kids are only 14 and 11. Jack had leukemia.

It's weird how you hardly think of someone except in passing for years and then when you learn about them passing away, suddenly every conversation you had with them seems to come alive in your memory. I remember even getting angry at him about something and giving him a piece of my mind once. He actually was a great guy and friend.

I went out on two dates with Jack during the period of time that I had asked the Lord to not allow me to steadily date someone until it was the person I was supposed to marry. One of the dates was to the Lilac Festival in Rochester. Even though I grew up in the Rochester area, that was the one and only time I ever went to it. I think I will try to change that this coming May. I remembered that I have these snapshots of that day. Jack took the first picture and a stranger took the second.

I think the last time I saw Jack was at my wedding.

Later: you absolutely must click on the link to Jack's blog. It is hysterical. In spite of the dreadfully sad news, he has gotten me laughing until I have cried.

Thank you, Lord...for my childhood

Dear Heavenly Father,

Forgive me for taking my childhood and my country for granted. Hardly ever giving it a thought. In light of what is going on in the world and the season...it only seems right to really stop and thank you. To thank you for as much as I can think of.

Thank you for blessing me with good and loving parents. They never abused me...physically, sexually, or emotionally. No one in my family did. Thank you! Thank you that you always fed me. I never worried about whether or not I would eat. In fact, I could go to the refrigerator or cupboard pretty much anytime that I wanted to. In the morning, I never thought twice about getting lunch money from the dish on mom's dresser before leaving for school. It was always there. I always had access to clean water to drink and to bathe in. It was easy to get to...no walking for miles and hauling it home for me. I never had to wear torn or ragged clothing...or shoes that were too small. I had a choice every single day from a variety of clothing hanging in my closet or in my dresser drawers. If I wasn't satisfied with that, I could usually borrow something from one of my sisters. And that wasn't all...if I was bored with my wardrobe, I could usually coerce my parents to drive us to the mall to buy something new. I had more than one pair of shoes. My clothes were lovingly washed regularly and folded for me. I always had a winter coat, boots, knit hats and gloves in the winter....not to mention a home to be warmed and welcomed in. I had a bed to sleep in. I never had to fear that a rocket would hit my house as I slept...or anytime for that matter.

I was allowed to get an education...even though I was a girl. It was free! I could even walk to school or ride a bus there every day without fearing for my safety. I had access to textbooks, school supplies and a school library. I had good teachers. I went to a school that I felt safe in. We had all the equipment that a school needed in the 1970's and 80's...and even extra things. I was not scorned by the kids at school. I was accepted, for the most part. No one accused me of being a terrorist or a murderer because of my race or religion. Sure, there was the occasional bully...but because of my secure homelife...I believed I was worth something, in spite of what they tried to tell me. I was reassured by my parents over and over again that I was created by a loving God, that I was a good girl and that they loved me too. I was encouraged, praised, believed in...and yes...occasionally disciplined when I needed it. I was taught to be able to discern right from wrong. I had excellent role models who practiced what they preached. Thank you. This gave me security and direction. It made me understand who I was and who I could become as I grew up.

I didn't have to be afraid that people would discover that I went to church, owned a Bible or that I was a Christian. We did not have to meet secretly in someone's house or barn to worship. No one was going to arrest my parents because of their relationship with Christ. I had pastors, youth group leaders, Sunday school teachers...and later on I had Young Life leaders who modeled the Christian life for me, handed me the torch of faith and cheered me onward! Thank you for other people in my church growing up...who I knew were Christians and impacted me. They were not always formal teachers, but they taught me what it meant to love and follow God just the same. They are too numerous to list, but I can think of a few key people. Mrs. M DeVries, Mrs. J DeVries, Mrs B McGovern, Mrs. M Lamberts, Mrs. C Lowater, Mr. S Justice, J Perez,....too many to name! At my church, I didn't have to worry about rebels breaking in and chopping off someone's limb, burning down my church, or killing my pastor. It sounds so horrible to speak of...but these are real things that Christians around the world sometimes have to face. I just cannot imagine the horror of it.

In my country, I can say what I want and choose what to believe...even if it isn't politically popular. I do not live in fear! I can disagree with my neighbor without them reporting me to the authorities. I had the freedom to choose any career that I wanted to pursue. There were no social or economical barriers for me. I never had to sneak off to take a dangerous boat ride to the shores of a foreign country just because the leaders of my country were so evil. I was never denied entry to any country. I don't remember ever feeling hated or ostracized because of my skin color.

As a kid, I had a bike of my own. I could just hop on it and ride it to a friend's house or to the dairy to buy an ice cream or candy. I did not fear my friends' parents or the shop keepers, come to think of it. They were friendly. I lived in a good and safe community. Even strangers were pretty safe when I was growing up. If I got hurt, someone helped me. In fact, I remember becoming very ill once when I was out running as a teenager. (Probably because I wasn't much of a runner....but that's another story) An older couple stopped and asked me if I needed help. I was so sick that I couldn't even walk home. They gave me a ride in their car to my house. I never found out their names. Thank you for that blessing...that you sent people to help me when I needed it.

As a child, I had toys, pets, and a swing set. I could turn on any electrical device with a simple switch on the wall. The electricity didn't go out constantly. We had heat and insulation in our house. Our house was sturdy. It had 10 rooms in it, plus an attic and garage! (Not to mention several closets) I even had my own bedroom for part of my childhood! We had a clean, working toilet and shower in our house! I could watch TV, listen to the radio or go outside to play in the neighborhood. I went camping, swimming, roller skating, ice skating and to birthday parties. We had a big garden in our backyard that yielded a crazy amount of vegetables. I didn't always appreciate it as a kid...but I sure do thank you for the nutritious food I had as a kid today! I heard not too long ago about some kids in Haiti who have to resort to eating dirt cakes just to fill their stomachs! Wow! Lord, I thank you so much for every bite of squash that my parents made me eat as a kid. I hated it...but thank you for that squash! I also had access to affordable healthcare. I had immunizations that kept me healthy and regular dental care so I had good teeth. I even was blessed to have orthodontic work to correct an overbite. Thank you!

I had a mother who asked me what kind of cake I wanted for my birthday, and I always got a present. Grandma and grandpa would come over, and they would give me hugs, kisses, and some money in a birthday card. They would say, "You can buy whatever you want with it." Sometimes I even had a friend stay over night for my birthday. I almost always had someone to play with because I was blessed to be the middle of two girls. One was two years older and the other was two years younger. I was never too little or too much older to play with either one or the other. Thank you for my sisters, Lord. We are still good friends today. My dad always had a job, and he and my mother were always healthy. I never had to go through the loss of either one of them as a kid. Dad would come home after work and he was always glad to see us. I would climb up on his lap and he would read a book to me. I remember seeing my parents kiss each other. They loved each other. I never worried that they were going to get a divorce.

Heavenly Father, I could go on and on and on and on about what a wonderful childhood and upbringing I had. Not everyone is as blessed as I was. Help me to realize this everyday, never to take it for granted, and to have compassion for those suffering in this world. Help me to love every one of the teenagers in my school who come into the library that I am fortunate enough to be able to work in. Help me to love every one of the kids who hate libraries and never set foot in one unless forced to do so. Help me to always recognize that the tough and defiant kid...might be hurting inside. Maybe they are not living the ideal childhood. Or maybe they are...but don't realize it yet. Holy Spirit, I need your help to see them the way you see them.

Thank you! Thank you! I have not said it enough in the past...and I know I won't say it enough in the future.

Thank You, Father!

The Miracle of the Eggs

It was August of 1990. I was 23 years old and working at a Christian summer camp up on Saranac Lake in the Adirondack Mountains. I worked in the kitchen and was one of the head cooks. I had a crew of about 8 high school students working under me. We were up bright and early to prepare breakfast for some 300 teenagers who were campers that week, plus staff. 

Something had gone terribly wrong with the order for food that week. We did not have nearly enough eggs to feed everyone that morning. We began panicking, checking and rechecking the walk-in cooler, hoping to find more eggs that we knew weren't there. Finally someone in the kitchen said, "Hey...Jesus fed 5000 with a few loaves of bread and some fishes. Let's pray." So together we prayed about it and asked the Lord to make it enough. I opened my eyes and saw the same measly amount of eggs. Never-the-less, we counted out the bowls for the number of tables and began divvying up the eggs into each one.

"Ugh!" I thought to myself. Each bowl had barely enough eggs to feed four or five people! Each of the dining room tables had somewhere between 8-10 chairs....which undoubtedly would each be filled by a hungry teenager. We put the bowls on the counters for the servers to come and take to the tables. I remember feeling somewhat embarrassed. Although I hadn't been in charge of ordering the food, I was the assigned head cook in the kitchen that morning. It was on my head that day! Tony, the other head cook, was either safely still tucked into his bunk...or out in the dining hall expecting to eat a hearty breakfast just like everyone else out there. I envied him at that moment. Me? I felt like hiding!

I waited to hear the inevitable complaints that there was not enough...or to see the empty bowls come back to the kitchen with expectations for being filled once again. Yes...I had little faith that our prayer had been answered. I waited...and nothing happened. All I heard was the happy chatter and laughter of campers and staff coming through the open door to the dining hall. 

Soon it was time to start clearing the tables. The bus boys and servers went out to gather up the plates and serving dishes. All of us were stunned to see many of the bowls coming back with some scrambled eggs still in them! How could this be? Did a lot of the campers pass on the eggs that morning? I heard a shout into the kitchen from one of the counselors, "Hey cooks! Thanks once again for another awesome breakfast. It was delicious! You guys are the best!"

I was amazed! (And still am...truth be told.) I started inquiring amongst the campers as to whether or not they had eaten scrambled eggs that morning. The vast majority said they had...which is normal. I could almost hear Christ saying to me, "Why do you doubt me? Oh you of little faith."

The kitchen crew dubbed the experience, "The Miracle of the Eggs." I've long since lost touch with the people I worked with that summer. We were from all over the country. New York, Virginia, West Virginia, Iowa, Ohio, Maryland, and Massachusetts to name a few. I wonder if they tell the story of "The Miracle of the Eggs." If you hear someone else tell it, I was there. It really happened!

An Education is Golden

Another employee at my school took this picture last week of the high school I work at.

New Family Members

It is interesting to note that so far...not a single day at Wayne has gone by where I haven't met at least one more Christian since meeting Lynne on Thursday. Today it was two students. These two girls come in every day to the library and are so sweet. This morning I noticed that one of the girls had a Bible verse written on her notebook. I stopped, indicated the verse with my hand, and said, "I'm your sister." Both girls were very happy about it. One said, "Yay!"

God has been faithful in answering that prayer I lifted up last week to help me find other Christians at Wayne! More than I could imagine!

Happy Anniversary to us!

It has been 23 years! How old do you think my husband is in this picture? Take a guess.

I Showed Up!

I set my alarm early this morning so I could get to school by 6:50. That would get me there early enough to park, walk into school, unlock the library, boot up the computers and get to the room of the teacher who hosts Friday morning fellowship.

I found out about four more Christians who are my coworkers. (Can't say I met them because I had met every one of them already) That's four more besides Lynne...the woman who I met yesterday. I was also told that our superintendent is a Christian too. I feel very blessed!

He hears me!

I was thinking about my Christian coworkers at Martha Brown MS. I miss seeing and interacting with them. I got into the car and started the commute to my new school. And then I said to God, "Could you show me a Christian at my school, Lord?" I knew that there had to be some. That was the prayer I lifted up either yesterday or the day before. I don't remember which.

Today a woman came into my library. She asked me if I had any Christian books in the collection. I said, "Do you mean fiction books, or information about Christianity?" It didn't turn out to be either. She was looking for a specific title. She couldn't remember it though. I said we could look on Amazon to see if we could figure it out if we knew part of the title. Then we tried Christian Book Distributers.

I told her I was a Christian too...because I assumed that she was. Then she told me that there are a few others and they gather on Friday mornings before school in a teacher's room. I told her about the prayer I had lifted up a few days earlier. I said, "You're the answer to my prayer!" She told me that she didn't really know why she had asked me if we had any Christian books because she knew we really didn't. I said, "You asked me that so that I could find out you are a Christian!"

Tomorrow I will try to make it to the fellowship group.

30 Years

The weekend before last, I did something that I never thought I would do. I went to my 30th high school reunion! I had always been afraid to go. I was afraid that I would see that someone. That is totally foolish because God clearly spoke to me on the bus 28 years ago and told me that I would never see that someone again on this earth. Oh me of little faith and unbelief! There was always a lingering doubt for me...thinking, "What if?" I knew that seeing this person would never be a good idea for me...and God knew it too. That is why God promised to protect me from that. Have you ever heard the saying, "Is that a threat, or a promise?" This saying just came to mind and it actually made me laugh out loud. I had originally viewed the Lord's message to me as a threat...but now see it as a loving promise. I am now happy to say that my faith and trust has grown so much that I no longer fear seeing that someone at all. There is no "what if." I'm so sure of God's promise to me that I am positive that that "someone" and I could both be wandering around the same department store, at the same time...and the Lord would never have us see each other. Why did it take so many years to really believe this? I don't know! It's crazy that I would have ever doubted my Lord.

Anyway...back to the reunion. I had a surprisingly wonderful time! It was really fun. I was afraid that I wouldn't have anything to talk about with anyone. I can be quite introverted at times. However, I had no trouble at all. What was unexpected was how much I had to talk about with people that I never even hung out with in high school. It was like we had been the best of chums or something. I had been rather quiet in high school and was convinced that most people probably didn't even remember me. I was proved wrong. I'm glad I went. I almost didn't, but was talked into it by Phil S. He is now a parent of one of the kids at the high school I work at. He saw me during open house and told me I should go. He and I had been friends in high school. He told me that I may regret some day that I never went to one. I got to thinking about it and decided he was right. I should go to at least one...so I did.

Jamie came to the reunion with me. I have a running joke that I can never take my husband with me anywhere where he doesn't find someone he knows. I thought that my 30th reunion would be safe. Nope! Not safe! We get to the reunion...which was packed full of people milling around, hugging each other, etc. Then I see one of my classmates wave to Jamie from across the room, and he waved back! It turns out that they know each other because LaBarge Media (my husband's place of employment) worked with the company she works for to produce some promotional video for them. Of course! She was very surprised to find that he was married to someone she had gone to junior high and high school with.

It was really quite fun to catch up with people. The only thing that bothered me was that I also had hung out quite a bit with kids who were either the year ahead of me or behind me...and I would have loved to see them too. Since it was not their reunion, they naturally were not there. I would have posted a picture, but I did not take any. A friend of mine sent me one of him and I...but he asked me to please not post it anywhere...because he is now a Catholic priest. He didn't think that it would be a good idea for a photo of him with his arm draped around a woman be published on the Internet. Especially while he was wearing his liturgical clothes. It was really quite innocent...just his arm around my shoulders to pose, but I really understand his concern so I am honoring him by not posting it.

I was also quite complimented by a classmate named Richard who told my husband that the woman my husband married had been the "queen of nice" in high school. His exact words. (Never mind that he was a bit sloshed when he said it) It is very nice to be remembered in a positive light.

Another Really Cool God Story

This story just happened sometime this past week and was relayed to me Friday night after returning home from Hannah's bridal shower.

Audra had called while I was away and had spoken to her father and had told him the following story:

Audra and one of her roommates, Molly had gone to the dining hall to get dinner. It was quite crowded, so they took two open seats at the end of an otherwise crowded table. It turned out that the table was full of students from The International Club.  Many of them were international students of course. They were all very friendly and engaged Audra and Molly in conversation. They asked where Audra and Molly were from. Audra usually answers this question by saying, "New York State" or "Near Rochester, NY." But this time she said, "Canandaigua, NY." Immediately, the boy sitting next to her, who was from Sri Lanka, said, "What?! My mother was an exchange student to Canandaigua, NY!"

Wow! Small world! But it gets even better. Apparently his mother became so close to her host family that they still keep in close contact. Her host parents consider her to be another daughter. They have even gone to Sri Lanka to visit her, and her family has flown to the USA to visit them." The boy told Audra that he has been to Canandaigua to visit his "American grandparents." He asked her if she knew the M_______ family. Audra said that she did not. At this point, he probably thought that this would be the end of the discussion. Oh no....God is much too cool for that!

I came home and Jamie told me the story. As soon as he mentioned that there was a boy sitting at the table from Sri Lanka, I thought to myself, "Oh...that's the country Sally M's exchange student was from." (I had actually met this former exchange student when she and her family visited the US. Sally had brought her along to Community Bible Study) When he finished telling me the story, I said, "I know the host family!" It was so exciting to me. Jamie does not know them because I only knew Sally and her daughter Julie through CBS. Jamie doesn't go to that.

I immediately texted Audra: Find that kid from Sri Lanka again and ask him if his American grandparents are the M_______s!

I also messaged Julie on FB: Does your former exchange student from Sri Lanka have a son who goes to IWU? If so, my daughter just met him. They ate dinner together.

I got a text back from Audra: Yes, that was definitely the family. He had asked me if I knew them.

Then I got a message back from Julie: Yes! I love it when God connects people together like that!

I also got a message from Sally today because she was pretty excited about it too. I told both Sally and Julie that I have a son and a daughter going to IWU and that they have a car. If their "grandson/nephew" would like to visit them over a break, he has transportation!

Now isn't that a really cool story? Of all the Christian Universities in the US, he ended up at IWU. Of all the crowded tables with two empty seats, Audra and Molly chose that one. And Audra including the name of her town when saying where she's from. I know that God orchestrates these very fun things because He just loves blessing his children!