I Have Issues

I just read this post over here by Ken Davis and it really spoke to my heart.  It describes me to a T.  I have had some ridiculous moments of explosive anger over the stupidest things.  I just had one the other day in fact.  This is the first step I am taking to admit that I have anger issues...

I have come away from those moments thinking..."What is WRONG with me?"  I also know that I wasn't always like this.

I have been a terrible example to my children.

I've been thinking quite a bit about who I am and what impact I am making on others.  The father of some friends of ours past away suddenly in his home last week.  It was totally unexpected and a shock to our church.  He was a pillar in our church and community. I just can't believe that Dr. Snyder is gone. Last Saturday, we went to his funeral service.  Person after person got up and told of this man's gentleness, generosity, hospitality and kindness.  He will truly be missed.  I cannot think of one single negative thing about him.  It has gotten me thinking about what would be said at my funeral some day.  I'm not sure if I would be spoken of as highly as Dr. Snyder.

I know I have a lot of frustration and anger that has built up over the years.  I usually try to pretend that it does not matter.  It's not working.

A Winter Story...Guidance Through the Storm

I thought of this story tonight and wanted to write it down.  I always thought it was significant...I just never recorded it before.  I don't want to forget it, so here it is.

I was driving in the car and my three little children were all buckled into their car seats.  Allen was four, Audra was almost 3, and Alicia was about 9 months old.  It was winter and I was driving to Webster to visit my parents.  The weather was horrible and the visibility was poor.  It hadn't been that poor when I left the house, otherwise I would have stayed at home. I was on a country road.  All of a sudden I heard little Allen's voice say, "You need some gas, Mom."  I looked at the gasoline indicator and the needle was below empty!  A surge of panic ensued...and at the same time marvel.  How did my little boy know I needed gas?  He couldn't see the indicator from his car seat...physically impossible! Besides that, he would not have known a gasoline indicator if he saw it, let alone be able to read and interpret it.  I remembered that there was a little country gas station nearby and prayed that we would make it there.  We did. I filled the car up, got in and said, "Allen, how did you know that Mommy needed to get some gas?"  He just looked at me and didn't answer.  I'm not sure if he even understood the question.

I'm sure that an angel communicated the need to Allen so that he could tell me. Even at a young age, Allen had a hunger and thirst for God.  He loved Bible stories and could not get enough of hearing them.  He just loved Jesus so much as a tiny child...often putting me to shame.

We had been praying and praying for guidance in college decision making for Allen.  He felt very strongly that he wanted to go to a Christian college.  He at one time told me that he wanted to go into missions and that "if God wants me to, I'll go to seminary."  He is not entirely sure of what path he is to take, but God has put all the pieces together for Allen to go to Roberts Wesleyan Christian College.  He will begin studies in communications.

Dread

I just feel this terrible sense of dread.  The postings for next year's jobs are coming out.  I have applied for two positions so far and will apply for a third. Every time I turn around, I am hearing about these three positions.  Everyone is talking about them and everyone is applying for them.  I just dread another interview in which I fail to be the one chosen.  Someone told me recently that over 40 people applied for one school library position last year.  (I was one of them and did not even get called for an interview)

Some Initial Impressions

Today I was supposed to shadow the woman that I am going to be subbing for. Yesterday she called me to let me know that she is sick and wondered if I would be her sub today instead. Of course I said yes!  So I went there today.

I have a very good feeling about this placement.  I am going to learn a tremendous amount and also get plenty of experience to help me get a job in the future.  The school is very nice.  My initial impression is that the school is well run.  The teachers seem cheerful and professional. The library is beautiful!  I have several computers that children can work on and also a SMART-board for lessons.  There is a beautiful office area to get work done in. The schedule leaves plenty of planning time and also possibly to do projects with teachers if they are willing. I also have a helpful volunteer who checks books in and out, and also helps manage the classes.

There are drawbacks.  Well...one in particular. The helpful volunteer.  She really is a volunteer...not getting paid a cent for what she does.  The entire school loves her...especially with all the cuts that have been made to education lately.  Not only does she volunteer in the library, but she picks up and does copying for all the teachers in the morning. She truly is helpful to the librarian. One cannot really run an elementary library very efficiently without a second person there helping. While the librarian is helping students find books they are interested in, several others are lining up to sign out books...meanwhile another set of eyes is always helpful for keeping an eye on mischievous students. (Imagine this scene: while I am helping Suzy find a book about magic tricks, Billy and Joe have decided to crawl under the tables and pretend they are tigers...you can just picture it.) For an elementary school librarian, the second pair of eyes is golden. However...Mrs. R, a woman in her 60's who is from Scotland...(not that Scotland matters, I just want you to imagine the scene with the right accent), is a little over zealous with her disciplining. I taught three classes today, and she rudely interrupted each one to discipline children.  She sent one little girl (Katie) to time-out in another part of the library and honestly, I did not think the little girl had done anything terrible at all.  In fact, I'm not sure what she did...if anything at all. The little girl seemed very surprised and very hurt by it.  After about 5 minutes, I called Katie back to the group. During the third class, Mrs. R was speaking sternly to the class about speaking out of turn.  If she had ended it there, it would have been fine, but she went on and on and asked, "Who is still speaking?...Who is still speaking!!!?" (and I thought to myself through gritted teeth...'You are.') At the end of the first class, I asked a little girl if she would help me collect the pencils.  When Mrs. R saw her collecting the pencils, she began to scold her. I stopped Mrs. R and said, "I asked her to collect the pencils for me." Mrs. R said, "That's not how it's done."

This is a problem that will need to be addressed and it is going to be very sticky.  I really do not want to lose her help in the library, but I cannot have her running the show.  I am the librarian and she is the volunteer helper.  (key word: helper)

This coming Thursday, I will meet Rachel (the librarian who is expecting a baby soon) and will be working with her directly.

Fun?

Lately I just feel like I'm not really having fun anymore.

Time for the update

I have been so horrible about writing my blog lately.  It has obviously come to a stand still and therefore no one will probably even read this (other than my faithful sisters). I had truly meant to blog about different libraries I have subbed in, but I didn't.  That's too bad because there is a wealth of information that I needed to record, but didn't.

In a couple of weeks, I will begin subbing for an elementary school librarian who will be out on maternity leave for the rest of this school year.  This position is all the way out in Greece.  That is long drive for me (~50 minutes), but absolutely necessary. Next Friday, I will go there and shadow Rachel (the librarian) for the day.  It will be nice to have regular income for about 8 weeks. In the meantime, I have applied for two school library positions that are opening up in the fall.  One is in East Irondequoit and the other is in Penn Yan. Please pray with me that one of these positions will work out for me.  I desperately need a regular job.

This week has been Spring break for us.  Two of my children are in New York City on a mission trip with our church.  I have been home with Alicia.  I would like to be able to say that we have done all sorts of exciting and imaginative things...but I would be lying. She stayed over night at a friend's house one night and I had to work on Monday.  Yesterday, she and I went shopping at East View Mall.  The poor girls' wardrobe needs some help.  Unfortunately, we only were able to put a small dent into revamping that situation. I'm hoping that today she gets to spend some time with her best friend...a much more fun prospect than hanging out here with mom.

I have been looking for a job for the summer.  I am hoping that I can find some children to babysit (in their home...since I am sure their home is more fun than this one.)  I'm sure that there are some children that will be needing some care once school ends.  I have joined care.com.  I was notified a few days ago that there was a perfect situation in Victor (4 days a week and during school hours)...but they have hired someone else who responded quicker than I.  It is my own fault since I forgot to check the care.com notifications and had therefore neglected to respond for several days. Once subbing ends, all income (save for the dentist office I clean on Monday evenings) ends. Once I get a permanent job as a school librarian, I will not have to worry about summers.  I will be able to kick back and relax...but that is not the case for me right now.