Friday, August 21, 2015

Fear not...nor let your anxiety take over your thinking!

Yesterday, I went into the library at my new school just to look around. I took Audra with me because she wanted to see it. I looked through every cupboard, drawer and file cabinet. I looked at the book shelves and figured out where all the light switches are (one can never take that for granted). I looked at what technology is available and my teaching space. I started considering how I would arrange my office.

Suffice it to say...I was a bit overwhelmed. I started to feel some mild anxiety but managed to think my way out of it. However....this morning I woke up with a knot in my stomach and general feeling of dread. That is basically what depression feels like and it stinks.

I had applied to five different school districts since June. I got turned down for three of them after one interview and never even got called for another. The last one was a part time position in a really nice school district in Monroe County. I had some very strong connections in this school district. When I went in for the initial interview, which was just with the principal, he basically told me that due to some raving recommendations and my previous work in the district, that I was their top candidate. Wow! I thought, "This is it. I don't even care if it is only part time." I would be working in a large HS with another librarian who is full time. They used to have two librarians at that HS and were hoping to build that up again. I also knew that there may be a chance of getting a full time position in another school in that district since I know of an upcoming retirement next year. I was happily envisioning myself working for this school district soon.

I was pretty content, when I got a phone call out of the blue. It was the principal of the HS in Wayne CSD. He told me that they had a full time position open and didn't get many applicants. He had learned of my credentials by looking through the digital applications online that had been made public to all the school districts that used this particular service. He found mine and was sufficiently impressed. He wondered if I would be willing to come in for an interview. I had actually heard about the opening but missed the deadline for applying. I decided not to worry about it, so I hadn't given it another thought. I agreed to come in.

By this time, I actually had my heart set on the part-time position. I figured that I would go into Wayne, only to have it confirmed that the school district with the PT position would be the better choice. That was not what happened. Instead, I was pretty impressed with the place. The principal and assistant principal were very personable. I immediately felt very comfortable with them. I was called in for a second interview a week later and felt the same thing. It wasn't at all what I expected. Now I knew that I would have to make a decision because I knew that I would be offered both positions. (I just knew...sometimes you do) The next morning was my second interview for the PT. It went very well, and I think that it would have been a good choice.  I know I could have been very happy there, but decided on the FT at Wayne.

So...back to this morning. I woke up with this knot in my stomach. Ugh! I hate when that happens. I just started having all sorts of doubts about my decision. It didn't matter what I was thinking, because the decision had been made. I had already notified both schools of my intent. I just had this general feeling of, "What have I gotten myself into?" Typical of depression, I was sure that I didn't really have what it takes to be successful at the FT position. I wish that I was positive thinking all the time...but I'm not. I had to go in to school to do paperwork today and meet the superintendent. I prayed on the way up there that the Lord would allay my fear and anxiety. I had been pretty sure that I had felt his leading to choose this school, but now was assaulted with doubt (oh me of little faith).

I went to the district office and met with the super. As soon as I sat down with him, I felt very comfortable. I met several other people and everyone was very nice. I was feeling good again. I also was quite happy to learn that my salary will be very comparable to what I got when I worked in Webster. I had assumed it would be less because it is a more rural district than Webster is. I went over to the HS to go into the library again. Then I started meeting all sorts of teachers who came in to say hello and introduce themselves. One of the English teachers told me that she had already reserved space in the library for September. I met my mentor, who is going to be a wonderful help to me. I have heard nothing but positive things about my full time aid. I can't wait to meet her.

So ...the Lord certainly allayed my fear and anxiety today. I have the weekend to relax. I will be in a few different days next week...but not every day. Allen comes home from the Adirondacks tomorrow. He and Audra will be around for one week and then they will head off to school at Indiana Wesleyan University at the end of next week. Yes...they both chose the same school. That is quite nice for us. (Gordon just did not give us a realistic financial package, so IWU was the choice) After we drop them off at school, I will have quite an adjustment to make with only one left at home. How did the time go by so fast? I'm glad that I will have a new job to keep me busy...not to mention that it will help cover the bills. My first day of school is August 31. The first day for students in our district is Sept 2. Alicia does not start school until the day after Labor Day.

I am sure that when I get into the swing of things at my new job that this blog will become very quiet once again, but maybe not.


Ruthie said...

I hope you grow to love your job and feel very comfortable and competent there. Remember that no human decision is irrevocable. If you find that it is not the right place for you, you aren't obligated to stay forever. But we always have jitters before school starts, and often on Sunday nights throughout a school year. It's normal. Don't worry. God will give you everything you need to do everything He wants you to do! (And incidentally, I used to live in Liverpool, NY, near Syracuse. I remember that Webster had a good marching band.)

Priscilla said...

Liverpool! Where Hyde's is!

Yes. Webster has a great marching band. I went to HS in Webster and I remember the marching band practicing in the parking lot. When I was a librarian there, I worked at an elementary school. I loved it there, but it was only temporary while someone was out on maternity.

Thanks for the encouraging words. And thanks for the perspective. I have to admit...that I will really miss tween literature and reading picture books to the little ones. I also really enjoyed working with Middle School. And now, I am at a HS.